We wanted to wait initially, since we married young (by today’s standards) and had little savings after our wedding and house. We always knew that we wanted children, it was a matter of when or how. We spent the first year recovering financially, clearing all our interest-free debts from electrical appliances and building up our savings. By the second and third year, we had healthy finances and travelled quite a bit.
By the time I’m 29, almost 4 years after our wedding, we were ready to get off contraception and start
trying. In the past few years, I went for yearly fertility check-ups in preparation, in case I had any fertility issues or cysts that had to be removed. Well, I suppose many people would expect it to just happen like that, but it doesn’t for many. First few months off contraception, I was full of anticipation and faced disappointment month-after-month. Then half a year went by, I started seeing a famous TCM at Clementi. It wasn't cheap and cost me more than 300 bucks a month; but the worst part was the wait at the crowded clinic, the acupuncture and needles with the daily Chinese medicine to drink. It came in sachets, and I had to empty like 20 packets in a cup before drinking it with warm water. I also had to take my basal temperature every morning and pee on an ovulation stick daily a week after my period. I kept at it for 6 months or so, but the doctor started urging the husband to do a fertility check instead, since he couldn’t find anything wrong with me. It was a struggle in many sense. It was stressful, from pee-ing on ovulation kits to recording your temperature everyday plus the cocktail of supplements and Chinese medicine I took daily. I struggled to stay on in my previous job, hoping to conceive and quit after giving birth (to find a new job). I also stopped planning travels ‘because I might be pregnant’.
A year went by just like that, though the husband was traveling a lot that year, always at the worst time. Even his re-service doesn't fail to fall on dates when I'm fertile. The plan was to have my first child at 30! After a year of trying, which is the time most ‘normal people’ conceive, the husband finally agreed to go or a checkup. To our relief or perhaps not, he was generally fine although mobility was on the low side. We were officially classified under ‘unexplained fertility’ and were asked to continue trying for awhile more before considering seeking additional help.
I read extensively, combed forums, read about others’ experience and did everything I could. I cooked healthy homecooked meals, drank herbal soups and bazhen soup every month, exercised regularly. It was frustrating, because my period came every month like clock-work. I bought the most sophisticated ovulation kits and my ovulation and temperatures were totally predictable. I even had excel spreadsheets and apps to analyze everything. More than a year after trying, I finally switched jobs since well, I can't keep waiting to be pregnant forever. Then we stopped trying for a few months in between to avoid pregnancy during probation.
Another 6 months went by and we still had no news although everyone seemed to be having babies. Some months were difficult, I grieved when I saw red. I wondered why this was so difficult when we have such a solid relationship and would have been great parents. We had our own place, a car, good jobs, strong financials; I didn’t quite comprehend what was wrong. Having said that, these waves of emotions came and went since I’m mostly happy and refuse to wallow in negativity. I truly believed that the right things will happen at the right time. I focused on doing things I love, picked up the violin and started travelling again. I more or less ‘gave up’ and was planning to consider IUI sometime after Chinese New Year.
Then it happened.
During our 12th anniversary/5th wedding anniversary trip to Langkawi, almost 2 years since we started trying for a baby. It was one of those quarter-end closing weeks, I had bad cramps for the whole week and felt really hungry. It was unusual, because I seldom have cramps, especially when it lasted for days and there was no blood. The backaches and sore boobs came in, and the more I thought about it, the more I thought it was strange. I resisted the temptation to test, fearing another disappointment. I was hoping to hold on to the weekend,
till I my period was few days late.
I ended up testing on Friday morning and again on Saturday morning before I told the husband. I actually wrote him a card the night before, intending to break the news the following morning if the test kit confirms it again! I was obviously excited and re-tested again with the first pee. He was sleeping soundly till I had to wake him up and make him read the card. In his half-asleep state, his only visible
reaction was looking touched with wet eyes – not sure if it’s from sleep. Hah.
Me being the planner, have already made my first gynae appointment right after I tested positive on Friday. We had to go the weekend before Chinese New Year since it’ll be 2 more weeks if we miss that weekend. Unfortunately, he had to make a work-trip urgently and might come back right before CNY. This means that I have to go to the first appointment myself, good or bad, he’ll either miss hearing the heartbeats the first time or not be with me if the pregnancy was not viable. Moreover, it was also my birthday weekend and I was supposed to cook reunion dinner for my whole family. Anyhow, I was pretty upset that week. =(
Thankfully, he did make it back for the first appointment. I’m relieved, partly because I’ve had a very
easy 6 over weeks. I eat normally, did not have any nausea nor food aversion, didn’t felt that tired and didn’t feel much different apart from sore boobs and frequent urination (these toilet runs are real).
By this point, it was official. Life as I know it, is over.
