.::. Pray .::.

Officially, I'm a free-thinker and sometimes I tell people that I'm an atheist. But I believe in God, I believe that 'God' exists. I do pray often and seek solace in it although I am not religious.

I have visited so many churches the past 10 months and I have tried to have a better understanding of religion, namely Christianity. It is amazing how many are true believers, and the paintings of 'Jesus' and his sacrifice have been magnificent. I'm curious about how so many people could believe, without any doubt, in everything their religion says.



The first service I attended in Europe was in London's Westminister Abbey, with the boyfriend. It's where Princess Diana wedded and where all the royal events take place. I like the peaceful calm in churches, because it's always so beautiful inside and everyone is quiet and respectful. I tried to concentrate on the service, but I found it very difficult to 'surrender myself to god' and actually believe that I'm a slave to god and I'm supposed to serve him. I simply couldn't connect with these, nor could I draw strength from this. In short, I like the calm exterior but couldn't find peace within myself. I couldn't help but question 'seriously?!'

I can sense that the boyfriend is happy that I'm attending service with him (although he himself haven't attended service for god-knows-how-long). I really tried. When I visited Norte Dame in Paris, I told him that I'll pray to god humbly and hope that he answers my prayer. If he really does, I will try to learn about him. But then, nope, my prayer was not answered!

St Peter's at Vatican is the most beautiful church I have ever visited! After visiting St Peter's, all other church pales in comparison. The whole chuch was so grand and opulent, even more so than castles! I like marble, and all the sculptures inside were really stunning. I attended another service with the boyfriend here, and it lasted for about 90 minutes! I really couldn't connect to the verses, but I was really in awe of the stunning altar which was brightly lit. I even went to share 'bread' at the end, because I wanted to be fed by the cardinals in red.

It was such a stunning church, yet I couldn't feel connected in any way spiritually. Perhaps I'm too strong and independent, I can't 'submit' to god or anyone else. I just couldn't. God is someone whom I pray to when I'm in doubt or need help, but I can't submit fully and pretend that I'm not capable of dictating my own life.

I really loved Vatican, and I'm impressed by how people could submit to god without any doubt. The paintings and sculptures to workship god are really beautiful and amazing.

But at the end of the day, I simply can't, not with my heart nor my brain.

An interviewer asked me, why am I a free-thinker, because not many would admit that on their CV. I told him I found it hard to fully believe in any one religion because of all the conflicts and bloodshed religion has caused throughout history. Afterall, I'm a history student, a sociology student. Sociologists believe that people created religion. I do not believe that any god would condone bloodshed for religion, and it must be humans who caused these in the name of religion. Moreover, the bible was written by humans! Humans who are not perfect and have their own motivations! I couldn't understand why are there so many different branches of christianity and even conflicts between them when all of them follow the bible. Nobody could answer my questions nor really convince me.

At the end of the day, I still came back and went to the temple I always frequent. I felt so uneasy for weeks, because I've yet to pray there. I dislike the incense smoke and smell, and it's usually very warm and noisy. It's very unlike the quiet and calm interior of churches. Ironically, my heart found peace and calm despite the noisy surroundings. I prayed, and had faith that things will turn out fine. I simply felt like I've done what I'm supposed to do, and all should do is continue trying, wait, and have faith.

Eat, pray, love.