.::. Marriage? .::.

Realizations:

(1) IF, we were to get married, we need at least 30 tables. We counted, both of us have very big families and there's his mum's clients. It's costly! Moreover, it's not something I really look forward to - imagine planning it and having to entertain and take pictures with more than 300 people on that day, the different opinions and wants of everyone. He stated the obvious - wedding dinners are for parents.

(2) I need to have a church wedding, his mum said so. It's nice, I like it - but I'm not a Christian. I heard that to have a church wedding, I'll have to go through a counselling session and sign an agreement that I'll bring up our children the christian way - something which I'm strongly against. Why? Because do not want to bring up my child telling him that there is only ONE god and he must serve him. I want him to be know that there are many religions around, many 'gods' around, and really understand religion before he makes his own choice. Can I insist on having a temple wedding too?

(3) We cannot buy our own place and I'll never get to deco my own house.

I'm really not sure how much I can compromise and give up. I don't see any benefits of getting married, when nothing is what I want. It's all about what other people wants.

Who cares about what I really want for MY wedding?

I was telling him, how I know I'll never ever be happy working for a corporation who do not give a damn about their employees who are easily replaceable anyway. I'll never be really happy being an accountant or a financial analyst or even a CFO. All these achievements are just, pointless to me at the end of the day. I'll work, just for practical reasons, to earn money.

He told me, I had a choice. If I really wanted, I could start my own business, open my own cafe and go learn baking in France. He's even willing to support me if he could. WOW - at least I've got the man right (I think). Realistically, I do not have a place to practice. Just look at my kitchen, nothing delicious would ever come out from a messy kitchen! Which comes back to (3) - I can never have my OWN kitchen to cook and bake and entertain guests.

I feel less trapped, knowing that I still have many choices. But it takes alot of courage to stand up for what you want, against what everyone wants for you, not knowing what the outcome will be.

Every girl yearns for the perfect wedding, and half of me do yearn for that. Yet coming to reality, nothing about the wedding is what I really want. I tell people, I'm not sure what wedding I really want. Secretly, I don't dare to want or expect anything because I know that I'll be sorely disappointed. I'd rather try to not expect or want anything. I'm going to be very upset (for life) if I'm not happy on my wedding day.

The other half of me, intends to avoid my own wedding till 5 years later like what the boyfriend plans. Maybe buying my own flat at 35 does not seem like a bad idea either. Sometimes, I just do not know what I really want. It's not like what I want could ever be materialized anyway - it's just about how much compromises I'm willing to accept, and I'm really not sure.

At the end of the day, there are many different ways to live one's life.

Marriage? Seriously, not now, not the near future.