.::. Childhood .::.

That day, we had one of those conversations about our childhood.  Apt isn't it, now that we're going to be parents who will determine what kind of childhood our child has.

I don't talk about my childhood much, those weren't times that I would like to remember, but it made me who I am today.  Those years had pretty dark times when I struggled. I was a very unhappy child.  No doubt I had happy days, but there were so many moments deeply entrenched in my memories that still give me tinge of sadness when I think about it.

When I was very young, I liked to talk to my mum and told her everything.  I was very talkertive and kept at it non-stop even when lights were out.  She always asked me to stop and go to bed, and I was always upset about it.  I hated it when she compares me to her friends' children or some neighbor's children, she always did that.  Someone's child was always better and more obedient than I was.  I still remember this girl from kindergarten who's my mum's colleague's daughter, she's called Yun Qian, and I really disliked her.

Then there were the times when my mum would always blame us for our existence and express her regret for having us.  Mums have no idea how unwanted and unloved that makes one feel.  I remembered being really upset and there were times when I threatened to jump down the building and commit suicide.  I also constantly told my parents that I will move out as soon as I could and would send them to an old folks' home because I really didn't want to see them.  Some days, I got so upset that I rolled and screamed on the floor, dashed out of the house with my bike to release some of these anguish.  I had so much pent-up anger and wrote in my diaries simply because I knew that my mum reads all of it.

I remembered that I was overjoyed when I got 99 marks for an exam and came home to share the joy with my parents.  I was top in class and beaming with excitement.  My parents didn't share my joy nor give me any word of praise.  They asked me why didn't I get full marks and miss that one mark.  I was indignant and annoyed.  Then, I got full marks in another exam and came home in anticipation of what they would say.  They told me that I was lucky and that I'll not be able to do it again.  I was deeply upset and words couldn't quite explain the emotions I felt as a child then.  I was always scolded for reading storybooks, always nagged for not studying my textbooks instead.  I wonder if it was then that I somehow decided that being good was enough; that there wasn't any point in striving to be 'the best'.

I hated it when my mum complains and screams.  She does it all the time.  I still remember how fiercely she screamed, cursing and swearing because my dad didn't hang the clothes from the laundry.  I was taught to wrap all my books in plastic and iron my own pinafore, wash my own shoes when I went to primary one.  Just because my mum hates doing that.  She even got my dad to teach me how to tie shoe laces and insisted that she didn't know how to do it, just so she doesn't need to do it.

When my mum became a housewife, things became worst.  She never stopped complaining every single day, screaming and shouting, blaming everyone at home for everything.  It was terrible going home after a long day and it was so repulsive that one wouldn't want to hear her say anything much less help.  I never understood why didn't my mum find cooking for her children a joy.  I looked at other people's mums and can't help but question many things.  I never ever understood why one can complain so much and be so bitter for so long, blaming everyone else for their plight.

I've to say that the husband has brought so much happiness and contentment into my life, and I'm really thankful for that.  He has taught me love and patience, taught me kindness and how to give selflessly without expecting anything in return.  Taught me to see things that truly matters in life.

I will do everything in my ability to give my child a happy childhood and never make her feel like she's inadequate or not good enough.  She will not feel what I felt and she will be loved no matter what she does or do not do.

I enjoy doing housework and making our house a home.  I also enjoy cooking for my loved ones to see them smile.  I actually enjoy doing things for people I love, irregardless of whether or not I get anything in return.

I wish with all my heart that Jaime will have a childhood filled with fond memories that she can look back and smile. 

.::. Mothers' Day .::.

Technically, it was my first Mothers’ Day this year and it’s funny how people start wishing you ‘Happy Mothers’ Day’.  No, I don’t exactly feel like a mum yet, but I always envisioned what kind of mum I will be, or rather what kind of mother I hope to be. I don't agree that 'all mothers are the same', simply because they are all different.

I hope to accept my child as she is and love her unconditionally, regardless of her abilities and achievements. 

I hope to give her the best I can to nurture her and to inculcate the right values/skills.

I hope to give her a warm and loving family to come home to.

I hope that she will always feel secure and comfort at home.

I hope that she will be comfortable to confide in me and know that I will always listen.

I hope that she will never have to feel inadequate and insecure.

I hope that she will never have to hear me compare her to someone else better.

I hope that she will realize her strengths and accept her shortcomings.

I hope to put comfort food on the table where she can refuel after a long day.

I hope that she flourishes in the love of the husband and I, and find someone as wonderful as the husband.

I hope that she will never hear her parents screaming and cursing at each other.

I hope to be the mother that I always wished I had.

People always say that you'll understand your mum more when you have your own child.  I'm not sure about that. I never quite understood why my mum sometimes blame us for our existence and how we seem to be the cause of her misery.  I never understood why she never enjoyed making our house a home and complained incessantly over the years.  I never understood why she didn't enjoy cooking and doing housework for the family.  I never understood why she always compared us to other people's children and made us feel inadequate and not good enough for her love.  I never understood why she constantly pointed out our shortcomings and blamed us for everything under the sun, including falling sick.  Nothing seem to be enough, we were always too fat, too lazy, too everything.  I always envy people when they get to enjoy their mum's delicious home-cooked food.  My mum complains about my cooking when I spent the whole day cooking from scratch.

Tough love maybe.  I always felt that it's a miracle that I turned out mentally strong and being able to rise above these all.  For this, I have to be thankful.  I don't miss home nor the feeling at home where there's too much negativity.  I always looked forward to the day when I can have my own place.  When my mum first found out I was pregnant, she shared horror stories about pregnancy like how her friend had to be hospitalized and all - who tells a pregnant woman such things? And she said I was negative when I told her to stop sharing such negative things with me! 

Perhaps God is fair, and I'm thankful for what I have now.

I will keep these in mind, to remind myself not to put my child through all I've been through.

.::.Unconditional Love.::.

When one loves unconditionally without expecting anything in return, love overflows from within and amazing things happen.

.::. My Angel .::.

Quarter-ends are especially bad, I've been working late the whole week AND keeping up on all my tuitions and music classes. Sometimes, I wonder how I do it too, maybe it's good training before kids come along.

So today, I'm slogging at work and about to rush to tuition when the husband called. He finished work early and was about to reach home. He picked me up from work, had a quick dinner with me near my tuition place and gave me the car keys so I could drive home while he took a bus home. *awww* My heart melted a little and swelled with love, feeling really thankful. Thank you darling. Thank you for being so thoughtful when I really needed it.

We could have had dinner near my office and I send him home before driving to tuition, but I was too tired to handle driving and rushing then.

He's probably the most unromantic man who's also an angel. It's these little thoughtful gestures that make me so very thankful for him. 

I'm pretty much brain-dead by now, but some moments are worth writing down and remembering - so I can remember all the good when he drives me nuts. =P

.::. My Love .::.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I have been wanting to write about love, about my love, yet love is such a difficult concept to describe so lets just leave it at that. Has it been almost 11 years?

.::. Remembering LKY .::.

It has been the talk of the town and seen an amazing outpouring of love for a man who built Singapore. It was really heart-warming to see a divided Singapore coming together during such times. Despite divided political inclinations, I believe most of us Singaporeans see and appreciate what this man has given us.  I do have mixed feelings though. From the love and pride for Singapore, I feel sad that a great man who has built Singapore have left. Part of me feel lost and somewhat worried about Singapore’s future, but another part of me is looking forward to changes that could make Singapore a better place. Perhaps more compassionate and less economically driven by productivity, less like a corporate and more like a family or a place where people feel it’s home. We are no doubt very lucky, but in many ways I wished that we could have done more for our people, especially those who were left behind as we chugged forward.

Revisiting LKY’s life, there’s so much to learn from this man. No man is perfect, but I believe that he has done his best given the circumstances and there’s so much to learn from him.

1.       Love and monogamy

I think this is absolutely underrated in today’s society that places much focus on success at the workplace and amount of wealth. A good and loving marriage is seldom in the spotlight as life’s successes. Moreover, most capable and high-profile people usually crave for power and attention with resultantly common extra-marital affairs and scandals. The love he shared with his wife is so precious. If you ask me, life wouldn’t be in vain as long as one have loved and was loved deeply. Anyone who’s capable of such love over a lifetime can’t be that bad a person.

2.       Determination and faith

This man dedicated his life to building Singapore. His determination and faith is imprinted all over Singapore and how we have evolved over the past 50 years. Simply looking at Singapore today speaks volumes about his determination and faith as we defy everyone’s expectations to become one of the richest country despite having zero natural resources.

3.       Consistency

He is known for being consistent in everything he did. His days were a routine revolving around work, family and exercise. Despite his heavy workload, he always had time for exercise and family, keeping a healthy work-life balance. When asked about his secret to longevity, he said to exercise and eat less but healthily. He was constantly improving himself and keeping himself updated with everything that was going on. Anyone can have goals and many have great ides, yet how many could persist and consistently work towards what they believed in?

4.       Frugality

His frugal ways are extinct in today’s generation. Just look at our elitist MPs who drives cars which are worth more than HDB flats and indulge in all the luxury that you can think of. Many of our leaders today are born with a golden spoon in their mouth and had a very smooth journey in life. How can they really understand how is life really like for the less-privileged in Singapore? Many of them have private sector careers and worry more about how they look rather than focusing on serving the people. LKY was a man who wore the same clothes for years till they had holes and never cared for luxury items. If you were like him, all you think of is probably how to improve things or to tweak plans for Singapore as you take in the developments in the world daily. There will be no time for luxury or fashion! This was a man who truly understood the people then and set out to meet the peoples’ basic needs, building a country where people can be safe, with means to bring up families in a comfortable home in a clean and green city. If Singaporeans were as frugal as him, there really wouldn’t be much complaints. If we did not expect to go on holidays, do not expect much shopping and luxury items, had home-cooked food and took the public transport – how many of us will still struggle to survive and own a HDB? Even kids staying in rental flats have iPhones these days!

5.       Opinionated

He was a man who stood for his beliefs and spent his life defending them. He had very strong opinions and arguments, he always made his points and was able to substantiate his opinions. He never deviated and had something to say to rebut what others’ had to say. He had such clear thoughts that are so closely weaved together. I remember reading his book as a teenager and his thoughts were enlightening although I might not always agree and wouldn’t be so sure that it’s a good idea to be so forthright about it. He is always so pragmatic. What he said about the cost of sustaining an old person despite available technology and the dwindling fertility of women after 35 left a mark on me. He always looked at the big picture. While it’s true that these are individual choices and freedom, but the issues and cost to society as a whole is real. I also agreed with his thoughts about human genes and his view on religion. I love that he insisted to be correct, not politically correct.

We can all argue and point out his high-handed ways that might have destroyed some people and families. But perhaps that is makes him a true leader, because he made those hard decisions and stood so firm, resulting in the birth of Singapore which has benefited so many of us. It also made him human, for it’s not possible to please everyone no matter how great you may be. 

Maybe one can argue that we are so economically driven and competitive that makes Singaporeans are a stressful and unhappy lot. I believe that one’s happiness is a choice and we are not forced to stay here. If somewhere else suits you better, you can always leave for greener pastures. But keep in mind that Singapore is an amazing place to live in and one of the most efficient countries in the world. After visiting more than 30 countries and spending a year in Europe, I still love Singapore and probably wouldn’t want to leave. We can also choose to be more frugal, have lower expectations, consume less and have a less stressful life. Instead, most of us choose to slog for a bigger apartment, a better car, luxury goods and holidays. These are not needs but wants, and how can we blame a man who has fulfilled all our basic needs so well that we are complaining about not having enough wants fulfilled?

The man is no more. While I’m very thankful and grateful for all that Singapore is, I think we need change. It might be a necessity to push everyone so hard then, but now that we are already a developed country, I wish to see a more compassionate Singapore and more policies to support it. It’s all great if we compare ourselves in the region, but when compared against developed countries, we are lagging behind in many areas and there’s so much to learn from other developed countries. My wish for Singapore is to become a developed country with happy people. It may probably take another lifetime for policies to be put in place and people to change their mindset about success and happiness.

.::. Jan's Ark .::.

I suppose many have heard of the story ‘Noah’s Ark’ – it’s probably my favorite biblical story and the very few that I actually connect with.  In short, it’s a story about how Noah built an ark to save his family and animals from a big flood that he believed would come. It has been used in a few movies, and what I really liked about it was how Noah put in all his heart to prepare for a potential challenge. He simply strengthened his ship and kept working on it, just so he can be prepared and ready when the storm comes.

I find inspiration and connect with his determination to be prepared for future challenges. It’s the human factor that inspires me more than the ‘God’ part of the story. I believe that if we are constantly strengthening ourselves and preparing ourselves for future challenges, we will be able to manage any difficulties that come our way. A solid ground work will always be a good base to fall back on when things get tough. Sometimes this simply mean a conscious effort to be positive, to have visions and plans, or to work on mental and physical strength.

Approaching the 10^th year of my relationship with the husband, I have the same thoughts about our relationship. It’s like throughout the 10 years, we have been building our ark, strengthening it bit by bit. With every storm we weather, we may lose some parts of our ark and emerge embattled – but we always continue working on it, repairing it and fortifying it. The first few years might have been challenging when we only had a little sampan that broke all the time while we hung on to it to keep afloat. Thankfully, after many years of hard work, we now have a strong and fortified ark that hopefully could bring us through all the challenges and storms in life. All’s calm now, but it sure feels like there might be storms ahead and every little thing we could do to strengthen our ark now would bring us a long way.

Jan’s ark is ready and strengthening! Bring it on! =)

.::. When September Ends .::.

These 2 months have been really crazy. Where did all the time go?

I have been in a contented state of mind this whole year, very thankful that everything is on track. Most of my goals for the year have been achieved. Some goals that I have set for myself when I just graduated has been achieved 2 years ahead of schedule. In no time, we will be stepping into the last quarter of the year.

The husband still remains the core of my life. I guess people really mean it when they say 'your other half', because he has already become literally the other half of me. I feel very thankful for love, for sharing others' love and being part of people's journey. So much love going around these days!

This last quarter I'm looking forward to our travel plans and celebrating our 10th Anniversary. *gasp* Yes, it's been 10 years since we started dating. It hasn't always been a smooth journey and looking back, we have been through so much together that I'm thankful for the state of contentment and stability now.

There's lots to be done these few weeks and October will be packed.  So many photos to share, but let's leave it till next time.

I'm ending September with deprivation of sleep and overflowing love for my loved ones. Totally looking forward to the last quarter! Bring it on!  =)

.::. It's the little things .::.

Few weeks back, we celebrated Edward's one-year-old birthday with our friend. Edward's a really big baby and he was running around the whole place the entire afternoon. Looking at how quickly the children grow up around us makes me acutely aware of how time passes us by.

Here's a picture of Edward enjoying his snack.

The point is, I wanted to remember this day.

I love attending my friends' children's birthday parties and weddings, mostly because it's where you get to meet your friends and catch up. The few that meet often are people whom I really care about. I was intending to spend the evening chatting with these people till the husband suddenly said that he needed to go to town 'to collect something'. It sounds very fishy, because well, the husband does not buy much. And what do you buy that needs you to collect from town by 8pm?

I kept asking him about it but he stood his ground. The husband is good with secrets like that. He secretly enjoys being able to fool an unsuspecting wife who would keep guessing and hounding him. He never lets any clue out though. After awhile, it became apparent that we were going to Marina Bay Sands. He refused to admit it till we were there. Putting all the pieces together, I proudly guessed that he was bringing me to watch the fireworks. He, as usual, smiled and refused to divulge anything. Well, many people were at MBS trying to catch the national day rehearsal fireworks, and it was around 8pm too! Makes sense right?

Apparently not. I was happily rushing with the hoards of people, thinking that we're trying to get up to street level for a good spot before the fireworks starts. Before I knew it, I was pulled into the MBS theatre!

He was bringing me to watch the 'Sound of Music'! As usual, he manages to pull off another surprise with an unsuspecting wife. You should see the proud smirk on his face, sometimes teasing how 'dumb' I can be. We laugh at each other that way, but I was overflowing with love yet again.

I didn't even know 'Sound of Music' was on! We enjoy musicals, and my favorite is still 'Wicked'. But then again, 'Sound of Music' holds a special place in my heart because I used to watch the movie again and again on tape as a child. It was also why I always wanted to visit Innsbruck and the mountains in Austria.

I get really happy about these small things. It's these little things that make me feel exceptionally blessed and loved. *thankful*

.::. The Honeymoon - Part I .::.

I know, it's been a year, but late is better than never. It really doesn't feel that long ago.

The year started with the wedding on 19th January' 2013. It was crazy like all weddings are, even though we're really extremely chill and my parents did not ask for anything. I really had to stay very detached and not think about how I felt about what people said nor thought, and simply focus on what had to be done. I refused to think nor talk about it to anyone. Those are not pleasant memories that I'd like to remember, and regretfully, weddings ain't every girl's happiest day in their life. I know the husband had tried his best and have given me all he could. For that, I'm really thankful. Afterall, a wedding is a day and a marriage is for a lifetime - so the guy matters so much more!

The wedding was so near by birthday, and I totally forgot about it. The night before the wedding, just when I was staying home, preparing and packing, the neighbors suddenly turned up with a cake. It was really sweet and unexpected, making me so touched. The husband was out, doing up the wedding car, and did not join us. It was those neighborhood bakery kinda cake, the kind which you had as a child.

Here I was, looking horrid with zero makeup, flat hair and eye bags from lack of sleep.

The wedding went without a hitch, thanks to the girls who simply prepared everything and chased me over the weeks to get things done. I think the day just passed me by, I didn't know what was happening half the time. It's like I'm still detached, holding my breath. This picture was so strange, because my parents never were the expressive sort. When the photographer asked my parents to kiss me, it was an extremely awkward moment. My parents have brought me up well, and I hope that they can worry less about me now that I've found my partner in life. I think I'll be fine, come what may.

Here's both of us on the flight, relieved that the wedding went smoothly. Our flight was at 9.30pm, Saturday. We had to fly the same night, because the husband had to attend a course for work that started on Monday. Both of us barely slept the night before and barely had much to eat. By the time we made it back to our hotel room, it was already 5pm. We had to leave for the airport by 7.30pm and had to pack all the wedding stuff to be sent back. I only had time for a bath and grab some food before we laced up and grabbed out backpacks for the honeymoon. We did have some time to gobble up some noodles before we got on the plane though, we were famished!



It was an extremely long journey that took us 24 hours. Here's the husband walking in the snow and trying to find the way with a tiny map in his phone. I swear I was half-dead by the time I made it there. We transited in Dubai to reach London. Then, we took a 3.5hr bus ride to Birmingham. Then, walked in the snow to take a train to the school. The train was delayed for 40mins. We then had to walk in the snow for almost 30mins to find the 'hotel' in the campus. I was really tired by then, and some bratty kids started throwing snow balls at us! I was furious and annoyed. They scrambled away when I screamed at them, telling them that I'll take their pictures and send them to the school.

It was so cold, and I was so tired. I practically changed into my PJs and dived into the warm bed. The poor husband had to go straight to orientation class! He came back to wake me up for pizza with his course mates and professor. A tad strange, but I was too tired and hungry to care if I looked horrible with my bed-hair. And for the record, the pizza was horrible, bought nearby in the campus and made by students.




These are the view from the 'hotel' in the school. It's called Lucas House I think. We moved rooms after a night as the toilet was leaking. Birmingham isn't usually covered in snow, I heard. We were there for a week and that was the only week that it was covered in snow. =_="

The husband went for classes Monday to Friday, and I occupied myself. I went shopping in Birmingham town center on Monday, because I FORGOT TO BRING ANY JEANS WITH ME FOR THE TRIP. It's ridiculous! I only had a pair of comfortable cotton leggings that I wore for the plane ride and realized the I left my jeans at home. The same happened during the ROM when I forgot to pack any pants (just tops) and had to walk around Marina Bay Sands in my gown to find a shop that sells not-too-expensive-like-g-star-kinda-pants.

I had to walk 20 minutes (in the snow) to reach the university train station where I take a 15 minute train ride to the town center. It felt so far.

Birmingham was a pretty town.

And I did what I used to do a lot during my days in Sweden. I bought a hot coffee and sat there, watching the world go by. I wasn't in a hurry and had nothing much to do. I loved that feeling, something which I don't have the luxury of these days. I love being alone and having such personal time to connect with myself and reflect on life. I feel at peace and blessed.

I did get myself some jeans and some necessities for both of us. I had Jamie's Italian by the way, and it was horrible. The truffle fries was alright. But the pasta was an ultimate disappointment. It was barely warm and the noodles were sticking together - how can that happen in an Italian restaurant?! I've never had pasta sticking together at any restaurants, not even Ikea!

I love Europe. I made plans to head to London myself the following day, checking out tickets and all. It wasn't that cheap, about 2.5 hours from Birmingham. But because I didn't start my day that early and didn't want to get back too late, I didn't have that much time in London.

I went straight to Borough Market and had some good-old fish and chips in a typical english pub, finished with a beer!

Then I did some sightseeing, strolling along the river and visiting Big Ben. I love that area and just strolling. It was cold and windy, but I like it.

I then went hunting for the Victoria Secret shop (it wasn't cheap, much more expensive than online from USA) and then shopping along Oxford's - Zara and Primark was cheap! 

The day ended with a grabbing a soup at Four Seasons and da-bao-ing the famous duck from London to Birmingham to share with the husband. 

It was bitterly cold that night in Birmingham and almost 9pm when I got back to the room. The duck was cold despite my best efforts to keep it warm by wrapping it with my scarf. The husband was complaining about how they only have cold food like sandwiches and salad in the canteen. We ate on the bed, he was grumpy.

It was my birthday on Wednesday. He had a course dinner and the coordinator was nice enough to invite me along since she knew I tagged along after the wedding. It kinda sucked, but there wasn't anywhere else I'd like to be but with the husband on my birthday, on my honeymoon!

So I stayed in and explored the campus, taking lots of photos of the winter wonderland. I ate cold duck and fried rice for lunch with students exclaiming with envy at my food through the window (we stayed in the ground floor room and I was admiring the falling snow - I could hear them!). I spent the afternoon planning the rest of our trip, booking hotels and checking transport options. Most importantly, I managed to get us tickets to catch a Manchester United match at Old Trafford! I was so excited (to my husband's dismay) to get tickets. It was surreal and I was all ready for our real honeymoon.

The dinner wasn't that fantastic. I mean how fun can a formal master course dinner be, with tables of engineers? It was snowing heavily and very cold, I didn't have anything nice to wear. The very kind course coordinator picked us up in a london cab as it was a 15 minute walk - in the snow. That was how I celebrated my 27th birthday on my honeymoon. I think I should be given credit for not making a fuss nor making the husband feel (too) guilty about it. =p


Thursday. I went to Cambridge. I thought I had 2 days - to visit Cambridge and Bath. But I realized that I'm left with one day as the husband finishes his course on Friday afternoon. It was a long 3 hour train ride from Birmingham central (after the 20 minute walk in the snow and 15 minute train ride). I almost didn't make it to Cambridge. When I was at the university train station, there was this paper pasted on the ticketing machine, saying that it's out of order and trains are not running. It was scribbled using a pen. I heard trains downstairs and saw some people on the platform. I then tried to press the touch-screen of the machine, and it worked. It struck me that perhaps someone played a prank? I happily tore that notice out and tried to by a ticket. The next moment, this frumpy woman came and screamed at me, asking me to read the notice (as if I can't read English) and pasted it right back. I wasn't able to buy tickets and she insisted that trains weren't running and I can't get to Birmingham Central. Rudely, I've to add.

Well, I only had one day which I could go and I really wanted to go. Out of desperation, I slipped through the open gates and went to the platform. People were standing around and a train pulled up shortly! I made it to Birmingham Central.

I had another problem when I arrived. I had no ticket. They don't always check tickets at the entrance and most of the time, people can walk in and out. But I was so unlucky, with lots of people queuing to pay the fine. I did something bad - I used a used ticket and flashed it to them nonchalantly. They let me pass without checking. *phew! It's not that I do not want to pay but I really didn't have much time to get the train tickets to Cambridge. I wanted to catch the walking tour badly and couldn't miss the train.

I made it on the train, and even had time to get a coffee. I took a cab to reach the tour office of the walking tour as I had barely 10 minutes before the start of the tour. Sadly, I missed it - the timing was different from what was stipulated on the guide book. =( I had no choice walk around myself and go on the punting tour instead.


Cambridge was really beautiful. I loved the ceilings of the church.











It was really cold, and I didn't have time to eat. I barely had time to run around the main sights before making my way to the punting tour. It started at 3pm and ended at 4pm. I was sitting on the boat with an empty stomach, in the cold.

By the time I was done with the tour, I was really famished and feeling cold and weak. I had to get some food.

I finally found a cafe and had hot tea and curry chicken rice. A very strange choice I know, but it was so good for a cold and hungry person.

I ate to this view! Again, feeling blessed. I got to walk around and visited their bookstore before having to make it back to the train station. During adventures like this, I'm constantly alert, planning my next step and being afraid, not sure if I can pull it off. It was a good 20 minutes walk to the train station in the dark, and I had to ask for directions quite a few times.

Cambridge has so many stories. It's such a heritage-rich place to study at, a chance that I'll never get I suppose. Oh well.

I stayed in on Friday and waited for the husband to finish his class before visiting Birmingham Central together. It was almost evening by the time he finished. I checked out postage for his course notes (not possible to backpack with it for 2 weeks), and we went to settle it before going for dinner. Dinner was nice, at this glass restaurant, overlooking the church in Birmingham.

Most importantly, his course has finally ended and our honeymoon is starting officially! We were still staying at the university till checkout on Sunday, but Saturday was Manchester United and Liverpool day!



Here's us on Saturday morning, with an obligatory photo with the university before we head to Liverpool!

This is taking longer than I thought and it's already past midnight. I think it's going to take quite a few parts.

to be continued...

.::. Our 9th Anniversary & 2nd Wedding Anniversary .::.

It was our 9^th anniversary 2 weeks back, also our 2^nd wedding anniversary and 12 years since we got to know each other. We went back to Morton’s for dinner as usual, our 4^th time there. We love their steak and the onion loaf, the service and free photo for memento and warm chocolate cake. I love how they print you a customized menu with your name and occasion on it, and serve their signature warm chocolate cake to celebrate your occasion. For some reason, the steak didn't taste as nice this visit.

He hand-made this beautiful frame for our bedroom. I had no clue when he did it though we're living together, perhaps when I was on my work trip. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't handmade anything for quite some time, and my lousy excuse is I do not have time and have run out of ideas over the years. I struggle to even think of gifts to get him these days, simply because he doesn't need nor want anything.

It’s amazing and surreal. It’s been 9 years. 9 years sound like a very long time.  We went through our teenage years, his army days, university days, working life. It’s unbelievable how time goes by and here we are, 2 grown adults, married with a home to call our own. I’m really grateful, for not everyone could find someone to trust and to rely on even searching for a whole lifetime, yet we found each other so early in life.

Love to me means many things over the years. Some things have changed and evolved, and it’s no longer that heart-fluttering kind of romance. Sometimes love means sacrifice and swallowing some things which you would never have done if not to protect someone you love. And more often than not, love means trying not to hurt them because that will hurt you even more.

After living together for the past year, we haven’t encountered much issues. Occasionally I grumble about how he doesn’t seem notice the mess at home, or simply find the lazy easy way out. Like that day, when he took out Chikey’s bed and floor mats that were dripping wet from the washer (due to some error with the washer). He simply hung all of them up, dripping wet, without trying to squeeze them dry. He did put some pails to ‘catch’ the water, but I woke up to a huge puddle of water in the yard and everything was still really wet when I came home in the evening. I had to wash them again and mop the floor. Other days, I notice that he does things for our home when I’m not around, things like changing light bulbs and our TV connector, cleaning the ceiling fan. When I’m sick he cooks porridge for me and when I was mugging my life away he bought me food. Sometimes he’s really thoughtful, and I’m most happy when both of us get busy cleaning up the home together, laughing and complaining away.

What I cherish the most is how he truly loves me for who I am and support me in achieving all my goals instead of trying to change or suffocate me with boundaries. He never held me back, he helped me to think through my choices and to go further. That was something I learnt from him early in the relationship, something that I’m trying really hard to give him. During those early years, we quarreled. There were times that I got really angry with him and I never ever minced my words, I always said exactly what I thought. He always avoided conflict and kept quiet, but I recognize his anger. He would look away and blink a lot, press his lips together as if to stop himself from saying things he will regret and had a really stiff stance. It was pointless going on and trying to get any response from him, because he simply clamp up. I slowly learnt that and made myself leave when that happens. It made me mad, because I always preferred to trash things out and know what each other thoughts were. There was once, when he sounded really hurt. He told me that he wished that I could love him for who he is. I took heart, I reflected, and since then, tried really hard to give him what he has given me – unconditional love. 

These days, even when we get angry with each other, things usually get back to normal after a night’s sleep. Nothing much is important enough for us to waste a day’s happiness together. When I got angry, his way of appeasing me was to buy breakfast the next day as I slept in and all's forgotten. We don’t nag each other much, and there’s little negativity at home, which makes home a very comfortable and peaceful place. I really hope that our home will always stay this warm and happy, even when kids come along. I grew up with a lot of negativity at home, and was a very unhappy child. We were brought up comfortably and I know my parents have given their best, but someone was always unhappy and screaming. Everyone loved me, but perhaps it’s simply family culture, and I struggled to manage all that negativity. I never felt unconditional love, part of me never felt good enough and it always felt like I had to earn that love with good results and behavior. The husband, having grew up in a very different environment, longed for peaceful and a happy home too. And a happy home is what both of us will work really hard to protect.

他们都说最幸福的事就是每天一张开眼就能看到最心爱的人在身边。那是我这一年来最幸福的事。 这辈子就手牵手一起走咯。

.::. My Loves .::.

I was clearing my iPhone album, and found this picture of us in the snow. It was taken during our honeymoon. We were in Switzerland and have just checked out of an attic room with slanted ceiling in a little quaint 'hotel'. We were walking to the train station in the snow to catch a train (and bus) to Munich to meet Alex and Julia. It was snowing, both of us were walking on snow-covered cobblestones and walked past a school with children playing with snow outside. He asked me to take a picture of us together, because we never had a picture together while it was snowing. I was in my thick jacket with a heavy backpack and didn't want to take out my DSLR, so i whipped out my trusty iPhone instead, to snap a picture of us using the lousy front camera. We were happy then, and then the train got delayed and all. I still remember that moment so vividly.

That's why I love photos - they tell stories.

Which reminds me, I've been wanting to write about our honeymoon! That was in January and it's already November. =/ *mental note to get it done before the year ends* I think our backpacking trips around Europe have been the most memorable ones for me, but the husband thinks it's Nepal - because, well, how can we forget how we puke and sh*t and seen the worst of each other on the trip?

The other love of my life is definitely Chikey (and Chinook). Chikey is so loving these days, loving to cuddle and wanting to lie on me all the time.

I cut his nails that day, and one nail bled. The husband wasn't too happy with me, and it was one of the rare times when I let him on the bed (he just had a bath) and cuddle him to keep him off his feet till the bleeding stopped.

Other days he simply jump at you on the sofa till you carry him on your lap. He's a warm ball of fur.

Other days, he just simply look cute and keep coming to me while I'm in bed.

And when I'm studying, he keeps me company by sleeping.

And here's 2 of my loves.

I love this picture, snapped one night when the husband carried Chikey up the bed just before he's going to sleep. He doesn't think it's nice, but I love it. =)

Life's so short, and sometimes, the best things in life are these simplest moments.

.::.What is the point of marriage? .::.

"結婚，到底是為了什麼" 越來越多的男人討不到老婆 因為越來越多女人不想結婚 女人說： 我想偶爾跟朋友出去，不想失去單身的自由; 我想高興吃什麼就吃什麼，不想變成理所當然的煮飯婆; 我想花錢打扮自己讓自己開心，不想每天想著要怎麼省來貼補家用; 我想當媽媽永遠的心肝寶貝，不想提心吊膽不知道婆婆什麼時候會嫌我; 我想當永遠的情人，不想在努力當個好老婆時，還要當老公的另一個媽。 

男人說： 結了婚，當然要以家庭為重，不能老是往外跑; 結了婚，當然要入得了廚房，洗手做羹湯; 結了婚，當然要為兩人的未來打拼，分擔家計; 結了婚，當然要把我的家人當作你的家人一樣; 結了婚，當然要做好老婆的本份 - 照顧好老公， 所以女人不懂... 

那我結婚到底是為了什麼？ 

我愛你跟你說過的愛我一樣多， 可是結了婚，我卻要改變那麼多只為了當你的老婆， 我只能有你這一個朋友，還要當個抓住你的胃的煮飯婆， 你有工作，不一定會養我，只因為我也有自己的工作， 你娶了我只是身邊多一個人，我嫁給你身邊卻是多了一家子人， 你們都過著習慣的生活，我卻要捨棄我習慣過的生活。 

但是男人也抱怨： 為了娶老婆我也是很辛苦， 我要有車子，要養房子，還要準備聘金還有鑽石戒指， 我省吃儉用一輩子，為了娶老婆還要一直減少存款數字， 況且當人家老婆，本來就是這個樣子， 要認命的持家，還要相夫教子...... 因為雙方都這麼辛苦， 所以越來越多女人不想結婚。 既可以讓男人保有存款數字， 也不會讓女人變成像是花錢請來的保姆， 所以男人啊，當你有天想問女人為什麼不想結婚時， 請先幫女人想想，跟你結婚有什麼好的呢？ 

女人因為婚姻 得拋下自己的父母，來照顧男人的父母。 但男人不用 女人因為婚姻 得挺個又重又大的球十個月， 只為了替男人生下一個跟男人姓的下一代; 還得承受生完小孩後的體質變差，身材變形的後遺症， 但男人不用 女人因為婚姻 得放棄一卡車追求他的好男人， 並埋沒了最美的青春; 但男人卻不為青春所懼，反而愈老愈值錢 女人因為婚姻 得放棄父母給她二十多年的姓， 被冠上某某'太太'二字; 但男人沒變。 女人因為婚姻 得早上上班，晚上煮飯做家事帶小孩， 有工作也有家事的壓力; 但男人沒差，反而多了個賺錢的人和不用給薪的女傭。 女人因為婚姻 得去適應一個完全不同的家庭和面對男人的親友團批評， 女人如果試圖尋求男人的保護時， 換來的是...男人不僅沒有保護他的女人， 反而一起落井下石...在一個女人孤力無援的環境裡。 

男人啊 若在您的身邊有這樣的一個傻女人時， 請當她的笨男人，好好的珍惜她，照顧她吧 別忘了，她不是天生就該來照顧你們全家大小的， 而是因為她愛你...... 她受傷的時候，好好傾聽她，支持她，保護她，為她拭淚， 她就會感動一輩子。 

Came across this article numerous times and it sends me into deep thought about marriage and what it means for a woman. Marriage used to be very much about security as women had to rely on men for the bacon among other things. Women nowadays contribute to the household finances equally, are independent and educated, but are still expected to play the many traditional roles. 

Many-a-times, women go through immense pressure while having to move in with in-laws and live under intense scrutiny. Things get worse when children comes along and most of the time, women have to swallow it all down and endure whatever rude comments that's being thrown at them. It seems like women is always at the losing end.

What is the point of marriage?

Marry only if you're very sure you've found the right one! Many have asked me, how do you know it's 'right'? 

You will know when the time comes. You may not know if it may last forever, but you will know that he's the right one whom you want to do this with.

Men, be nice to your wife and realize how much she has to give up for you. Some appreciation goes a long way. There's a saying that goes happy wife, happy family. An unhappy and bitter wife will bring all her unhappiness into the family.   

.::. My Lovely Boys .::.

We walked to NUS U-Town last weekend, intending to let Chikey frolic in the huge grass patch and expecting that there wouldn't be much people on a Sunday evening. It would have made great pictures and good bonding times.

Who knows, there were some activities going on and Chikey couldn't roll in the grass. Managed to take some pictures of the dear boy(s) though.























Here he is, doing his split and resting after an enjoyable walk.



And here's my two lovely boys. I've been blessed.

.::. This & That - Neighborhood tales .::.

The husband and I eat at the hawker center often ever since we moved in together. I love hawker centers and wet markets, perhaps it’s because it was a big part of my childhood. I used to go to the market together with my grandmother, happily pushing the trolley along. Grandma has many friends and the market is so lively with everyone greeting each other, chatting. It used to be really wet and smelly, there were even live chickens then. Then I would eat vegetarian beehoon at the hawker, sometimes looking after the purchases as grandma go get more stuff.  She would cook everything from scratch, and there’s particular stores where she will get things like spices and curry powder.

These are heartwarming scenes from my childhood and seeing how all the old folks seem to know each other at the hawker center warms my heart. They always seem to bump into each other and look so happy to see someone familiar. Sometimes a big group of old people would gather and eat together, chatting away. I was telling the husband how nice it was and how those aunties seem so happy to see their friends. He was laughing and telling me how it would happen to me when I’m old like them. Not long after, we bumped into our neighbor and the exact same thing happened to me – I was smiling and chatting with them. Looks like I didn’t have to wait till I’m old. These are things that I love about neighborhoods, things that don’t seem to happen in private estates.

On the other end of the spectrum, I witnessed a couple arguing fiercely over breakfast that day. They were a Cantonese couple and looked quite old, over 60. The wife went on and on, scolding the husband for saying something infront of others, saying how he is childish and like a child and needs to change, telling him how he should mind his own business among other things. She never stopped and really put down the husband like he’s not worth anything. The husband did retort, telling her that it’s his mouth and he’s not saying it to her, asking her to mind her business and to stop screaming so loudly unless she wants the whole world to know. It angered the wife more and she went on even louder till the husband stormed off.

Whenever I see couples arguing I would wonder why is there a need to say such harsh things and hurt each other. Didn’t every couple start from falling in love? I wonder if it’s true that couples become more childish and argue more when they become old. It makes those loving old couples who are still holding hands look like a miracle. Why don’t couples communicate more and be each other’s support as they grow old together? I’ve a colleague who yearns to be posted overseas to do things she likes and far away from her husband, because she finds him boring and uninterested in everything. Then there’s this couple staying nearby who’s always arguing, from during renovation right till now. Their arguments are so violent, screaming at each other and hurling hokkien vulgarities that I could hear clearly from my place even when I close my main door.

Things like these make me wonder, how will we end up 10 or 20 years from now. Will we still be loving and cherish each other or will we start biting each other’s head off?

During such times of reflection, I make a mental note to constantly put in effort to communicate with the husband, be his pillar of strength and to remember why we fell in love and what we like about each other. No harsh words during arguments, no putting each other down and discounting each other’s feelings, no blaming each other and always try to understand each other’s point of view first. Time-out if need be, but strictly no harsh words as scars stay and take a long time to fade away. Must remember not to start screaming away and make home a stressful place to come back to!

.::. Our Honeymoon .::.

We went for our honeymoon right after the wedding, and it was truly tiring. The husband had to go on a course in Birmingham right after the wedding, and I tagged along. I mean I had to right? Otherwise my husband would be gone for 2 weeks right after the wedding.

The first week in Birmingham, it was snowing heavily.  He made me take a bus from London to Birmingham after a long-haul flight (right after the wedding), change to a 3-hour bus ride to Birmingham, take a train (which was delayed) to the campus AND walked 20 minutes in the snow. I was so shag - all these when he could have took a cab (it's claimable) to the doorstep from Birmingham Central! We stayed on campus where his classes were, just right opposite. 

I spent the first day exploring Birmingham, the next exploring the campus, another day in London and one day in Cambridge. I enjoyed the me-time very much, exploring places by myself.

It was a chore to travel from the campus – 20 minute walk in the snow to the campus train station, another 15 minutes to reach Birmingham city where the connecting trains were. The other day were spent in the room, planning the rest of our honeymoon and booking hotels, doing research.











Here's Birmingham Central and it was freezing.



And this was the view from our hotel window.



I went to London a day before my birthday.







Headed straight to Borough Market for some pub grub and beer, then to see the beautiful Wesminister before doing some shopping and da-pao-ing the famous Four Seasons duck back to share with the husband at Birmingham. The poor boy was complaining about having to eat sandwiches and salad everyday when it's so cold.

I spent my birthday in the hotel, planning our trip, strolling around the campus and joining him for a course dinner. The coordinator graciously invited me along knowing that I'm here with him right after the wedding, and even picked us up in a London cab from the hotel as it was snowing and very cold.

I then went to Cambridge the next day. It's a 3-hour train ride away from Birmingham and someone pasted a hand-written note on the ticketing machine saying that there are no trains. I tried the machine and it seemed to work. I thought that someone played a prank and pasted that on the machine, perhaps a student? I tore it off and wanted to buy tickets. Then, the ticketing person came and told me off, looking annoyed like I do not understand English. She refused to let me buy tickets and insisted that there are no trains when I see trains coming on the screen! Luckily I decided to take the risk and went down the platform without buying tickets. The train came and I managed to get to the central where I'm supposed to get a connecting train. The problem was, I did not have a ticket and there were people at the entrance checking tickets. They weren't always there, and there was a long queue of people paying 'fines' as they've no ticket (like me). I decided to try my luck and flashed my old ticket - I got through effortlessly and they didn't look at the date at all!

Lucky me, did manage to get to Cambridge but missed the walking tour of the day. It was already past noon when I arrived and the only option was punting at 3.30pm. I took that up and rushed to wander around the city with my map in hand.





It was beautiful, and Cambridge has so many stories.



And here I was, punting in the river. It was so cold and I was famished by then. Cold and hungry - not a good combination.



I finally found a restaurant opposite the...church I think..some iconic structure in Cambridge. The hot tea and curry chicken with rice was so good.

Did I mention that I love Europe.  I love the feel of Europe and just being there. And I'm glad that I had some me-time to spend with myself and reflect on things there. It almost feel like those student days in Sweden again.



The husband finally finished the course and the test on Friday, and we headed to the central for dinner before our honeymoon officially starts.

Our first stop was Liverpool/Manchester after his course ended. We visited Anfield (his favorite club) which was really ulu and old.  We went for a tour around the stadium and headed to Manchester United (my favorite club) since the 1999 treble.  I managed to get tickets for the FA Cup match against Fulham, and was so excited about going for a live match there!





Next stop was Paris, because I made a mistake with the closing day of the Louvre (it’s Tuesday instead of the usual Monday for most museums) and the husband didn’t get to visit the last time round.  We spent about 2 days there, spending a day at the Lovure (I really love it) and the other times looking for the best baguette in Paris and strolling along Champs Elysse.















We went in search of the best baguette in Paris (and probably France).

Third stop to Lausanne for a stopover to catch our first scenic train ride in Swizerland.  We had some time to walk around the Olympic City which was full of slopes and cobbler stones roads.



Next up was the scenic train along ‘The Golden Pass’ from Montreux to Interlaken, taking in the dramatic landscapes in Swizerland.  We stopped  by Interlaken which will be our base to travel around the area for the next few days. After having lunch, we explored the little town and walked along the river as the sun set. Dinner was the best veal I ever had!







We went to Jungfrau the next day as weather was fine.  The trains up the steep hills were amazing, and the views up at “Top of Europe” was really dramatic. It was so windy up there, at minus 13 degrees.  The viewing platform was partially closed and we could barely keep our balance.  We kept trying to take a nice picture, our hands keep getting numb and snow kept flying onto my teeth (which hurts!).  We stopped by Gwindewald, and was contemplating whether or not to try snow sledging the next day.  It was cheap, but I was afraid of the cold (snowing) and not sure how I’d take to heights on the slopes.  Moreover, sledging would mean being unable to visit Luzern  or Bern/Zurich.











We ended up at Luzern the next day.  It was a picturesque town, with this ‘Harry Potter Bridge’.  We spent the day wandering the town and went back Interlaken for traditional cheese fondue.





We left Interlaken for Bern next.  Bern is a small little charming town that I really liked. It can be explored in a few hours, walking along the old streets and climbing up the hill for a birds-eye view. As we still had some time in the afternoon, we ended up dropping by Zurich on the way to Chur.  It was a long and fulfilling day!













The only reason we went to Chur was to catch the Bernina Express the next morning.  It was supposed to be the most scenic train ride in Switzerland (and maybe whole world). It stopped once for us to take pictures, and everyone was scurrying in the snow. It was indeed stunning, and we went all the way to the border of Italy.  The last part of the train ride was closed for maintenance and we stopped by for lunch at the ‘Italian’ part of Switzerland which served cheap and delicious pasta.

Very sadly, my lens was stuck and the auto-focus broke down when we left the train to take pictures in the cold. And stupidly for some reason, I didn't bring my other lens out. We simply did not manage to capture the beauty of the place - something which has to be left to our memories. Some pictures had to be taken with my trusty iPhone after the accident. =(







We had a little adventure, as we decided to take the earlier train than scheduled, thinking that we can stop to take pictures somewhere then catch our scheduled train on the way back. When we got down, it was so cold and the snow so deep.  I sunk into knee-deep snow every step I walked.  It was so cold and impossible to actually walk to take pictures! And to our horror, our scheduled train does not stop there on weekends. The next train that stopped there was in an hour and went to another town. For a moment, I thought that we’re going to be stranded, now knowing if we can get back to our hotel tonight.

Then! Our scheduled train pulled at our station.  I hurried to press the door open and rushed up the train, feeling really relieved.  The train stopped till the train conductor found us.  He recognized us and told us that the train stopped by mistake as the driver forgot that it wasn’t supposed to stop on weekends. *phew* we really got lucky.



We were supposed to get to Munich to meet up with 2 of my friends, but part of the train track was under maintenance and we had to be on a bus for that portion of the journey.  I was really uneasy about it, afraid that delays would mean missing our connection and lots of trouble.  The bus was late and I thought we were in trouble, but thankfully the train waited! We got lucky yet again.



We only had an afternoon in Munich and it was mainly to meetup with my friends and catch the flight to Iceland the next morning.  We had lunch in this really nice typical German beer house, and I really loved the place.  It reminds me of Poland actually.  The food was good and I love the ‘Radler’ which was lemonade with beer – very addictive! We walked around the town area and bought Birkenstocks. It was a cold and gloomy day in Munich.





Iceland was really an experience by itself.  I don’t think I’ve been to anywhere with that much inhabitable land and unique landscape. It’s also the first country we’ve been for many days without even exchanging for any of its currency (we still have no idea how Icelandic Kroner looks like). We went to a famous fish restaurant there and it was really delicious! We went to see geysers, craters and spent a day at the Blue Lagoon. It was really beautiful.

We hunted for northern lights for 2 nights, since we were already there.  It was really cold at night. We only got to see faint lights on the first night, 2^nd night was really faint and flickering – now you see it, later you don’t.









It was really cold and our hands, face, mouth were all frozen.









We also had lots of fun at Blue Lagoon which was so beautiful.











We ended the trip in London.  I wanted to watch Les Miserables, but it was fully sold out for weekends the whole month!  I should have booked the tickets earlier instead of trying to get discount tickets! We went around, shopped and had my favorite Four Seasons duck. Nesspresso capsules were half-priced there and we stocked up on it.







Our Chinese New Year eve was spent in London’s Chinatown.  It was memorable, because the husband brought me to the wrong place yet again.  He insisted on having steamboat for our ‘reunion dinner’. There were steamboat in Chinatown, but he insisted on going to the other one which was way out of town.  He said that the Chinatown one was expensive (20 pounds buffet) and wasn’t that nice. So, we dropped our shopping in the hotel and took a 40-min train ride out of town to the place.  Upon reaching, we couldn’t find the restaurant, it was a quiet neighborhood.  I was cold and hungry by then, it was already almost 9pm. We asked for directions and the Londoner told us that the restaurant was on the other side of London! There was a small road that was the same name there, but the area was totally different.

So there I was, not knowing to laugh or to get angry. It’s not the first time he brought me to the wrong place while travelling. Luckily the neighborhood was safe and not some dangerous area! We took almost another hour to reach Chinatown and made it to a Chinese restaurant just before it closed.  There we were, cold and hungry on Chinese New Year Eve, far away from home and eating at 11pm.



It brought our honeymoon to a close.

I know someday, I will be reading this, looking at these pictures, remembering those happy times we had. Perhaps someday, our children would read this and feel the love their parents shared since they were teenagers.

And to the husband - to many more happy memories to come. =)