.::. Things I'm Thankful For .::.

As we grow older and start working, life inevitably revolves around work and seemingly endless to-do lists.  Most of us spend most of our weekday at work, and all we have left is a few hours of free-time to do things that really matters.  Many don't even have that few hours and it's easy to lose sight of what is truly important and be thankful for what we have.  It's easier to complain than to be thankful.

Personally, I’m most thankful to have the husband and being in a healthy, happy relationship minus all the drama and ambiguity that some struggle with.  Perhaps because of this, it has made it much easier for me to be positive, at peace and happy every single day.  But it's also perhaps we are happy and thankful for each other that we have a healthy and happy relationship.  

On a daily basis, I’m thankful that there are so many simple things that make me happy:

-          I’m happy when I wake up after a good night’s sleep, especially during the rainy, cooling nights.
-          I’m happy when I see the husband in deep sleep or preparing for work when I open my eyes
-          I’m happy when I see Chikey and his wagging tail
-          I’m happy that I am healthy and have a job
-          I’m happy that I don’t dislike my job and it helps me to fulfill all my other goals
-          I’m happy when I get my coffee and fill my tummy with yummy food
-          I’m happy when I think of what to eat next
-          I’m happy when I get to knock-off work on-time
-          I’m happy when I can cook a home-cooked meal for us
-          I’m happy when Chikey snuggles up to me
-          I’m happy when I go for my music lessons and spend time on my piano/violin
-          I’m happy even when I do my music theory homework!
-          I’m happy when I teach tuition, knowing that my kids adore me and I have made an impact on their lives
-          I’m happy when I try new recipes and cook yummy food
-          I’m happy when I go to the gym, being able to go and strengthen myself
-          I’m happy when I do grocery shopping and grab some good deals
-          I’m happy when I get to meet my friends and hear updates from them
-          I’m happy when I do housework and make my home a better place
-          I’m happy when I pick the husband up from work
-          I’m happy when I have enough to give back to the community
-          I’m happy when I can travel and experience all the beauty in the world
-          I’m happy when I see beautiful sunsets
-          I’m happy when it rains and the weather becomes cooling
-          I’m happy when it’s sunny and there’s clear blue skies

The list can go on forever, because I'm always happy about all these little things.  I think the husband has an easy job, because I’m really easy to please.  Just buy me some yummy food and I would be smiling like I won the lottery. I think we are very similar in this aspect, that we both dislike drama and negativity, just like things simple and to be happy.  Being happy makes it easier to face the other challenges and negativity that sometimes seep into life, although I try consciously to distance myself from negativity.  I really don’t quite understand why some people spend their life complaining and being unhappy, or choosing to see all the bad in their lives!  It’s never about circumstances, it’s always about your own thoughts.

Being alive, healthy and able is itself such a blessing – if only everyone could think this and be happily thankful.

.::. Almost Goodbye .::.

The year is coming to an end. *gasp* I’ve no idea how did time fly by just like that.

I am finally done with ACCA exams, though I’m not too confident about passing and I don’t want to think about it. It’s my last paper, and I’m bummed that I’m not fully prepared and fell sick a few days before exam. Otherwise, that 2 days would have made the difference!

With exams out of the way and our year-end trip upcoming, we spent last weekend doing spring cleaning our place. We did pretty thorough cleaning, from cleaning the ceiling fan to stripping our sofa covers to wash and wiping all the surfaces, air-con filters and even cleaning our metal gates and window grills! *wee* I also packed the storeroom and study room, so I’m feeling very accomplished though it has been a very tiring weekend. We also wrapped presents and set up our Christmas tree for the parties that we will be hosting at home. We bought quite abit of Christmas deco for the home in addition to those recycled ones.

It’s a great time, and it has been a great year on many counts. I can’t wait for our parties and our 10^th anniversary Maldives trip. I’m also ahead this time, with all my Christmas presents done way before Christmas!

Feeling very thankful for all the love and people around me who really matters. I think as I grow older, I find it easier to accept that there are mean people and I’m no longer bothered about peoples’ opinion about me. My mum has always said things like what would people think of me if I did this and that, and it may have made me somewhat conscious despite my rebellious streak. But seriously, why the f*ck do I give a damn about what other people think? Going into the last year in my twenties, I’m proud to say that I’m no longer affected by what people think nor say apart from the passing annoyance before deciding to cut people off. Don’t give others the ability to hurt you. Life is way too short and precious for things like that!

I’m really looking forward to the parties and trips ahead! I’m ending 2014 with a bang with a truckload full of anticipation and optimism for 2015. I’m all ready~!

.::. Belief .::.

"She believed she could, so she did."

.::. Already December?! .::.

I'm finally back. The past few weeks have been hectic, filled with work travels and a crazy workload. I spent the last week studying mugging for exams as if my life depended on it. It's bad, this last-minute studying thing. I suppose age is catching up and one simply can't cramp in as much as you used to nor write as much as you used to. I ended up feeling really overwhelmed and nearing desperation with a strained wrist that hurts. Thankfully it's over and I'm crossing my fingers to pass that paper. I'm so going to start studying for the June exams already.

After diving into getting everything done and ignoring everything else, I now realize that it's already mid-December. I have not gotten any Christmas shopping done. I feel like me myself needs a few presents. I used to like Christmas and celebrations, but I actually dread it now. I don't look forward to being preached to yet again and there's just simply a lot to do and prepare. I wonder if such festive seasons are for people with lots of time to actually enjoy doing Christmas shopping early (avoiding the crazy crowds) and having all the time to soak in the atmosphere. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and wished I had more time to do more for the people who matters.

December is also a very special time. We will be celebrating our 9th anniversary next week. *gasp* I've no idea where all the time went to, but we've spend 9 years together as a couple. December is also when I take stock of my year and plan what I'd like to accomplish the year ahead. Time is ticking by so quickly. I already have 7 weddings to attend in 2014 and have not found a time-slot for my annual holidays. I really feel like I need an adventure and to get lost somewhere.

This year was great, next year will be even better! =)

If you won't be better tomorrow than today, then why do you need tomorrow for? 

.::. Towards 'Success' .::.

I’ve been thinking a lot, about life in general and what I want out of life. You know how things get more and more complicated as you grow up? It’s like how I teach my tuitee addition and subtraction in primary school where there’s no negative numbers. Yet after a few years, I start teaching them addition and subtraction with negative numbers. I remembered how it felt like my world shifted when I realized that negative numbers exist. It’s just like the many other things in life that changes as our perspective and cognitive depth changed.

Life and success used to be one direct route for me, and perhaps many Asians. It’s always the traditional study hard, get good results and find a good job so that you can earn enough and start a family. That’s the kind of mindset I was brought up with – that success in life is seemingly a one-way street. I don’t think my parents would have taken it well if I took the unconventional way. Junior Colleges were preferred over Polytechnics – which resulted in 2 years of misery in my study life. I always wonder how I would have turned out if I pursued Mass Communications in a polytechnic instead of heading to Junior College. I suppose I would have landed myself in a job that I liked a lot more, albeit getting paid less.

My perspective changed that year when I took my Masters’ in Sweden. I suppose that’s what exposure does to you, opening up your mind into many different possibilities and perspectives. I love myself a lot more, gained a lot more confidence and sorted many things out. You suddenly realized that there are so many possibilities and people could be happy and fulfilled doing different things (without pursuing financial security and abundance). You don’t have to be married to be happy, neither do you need a high-paying job or car or house to be successful. Those people and things that used to bother you becomes so insignificant when you look at life as a big picture. It’s hard to describe, but they represented freedom – being free to do what they liked without being bounded by conservative societal norms.

I think the previous generation’s idea of success is financial freedom. It doesn’t matter that you liked your job or not, as long as it paid the bills. This, coming from their childhood where poverty were rampant and financial security generally meant success.

So here I am, somewhere around my quarter-life crisis and still searching for what I want in life and what success means to me. I don’t want a ‘secured’ job with a good income every month when I don’t feel fulfilled by what I do for 8 hours daily. I don’t want to be in the rat race with all the superficialities and unspoken rules in the corporate world. I don’t want to spend all my life dreading Monday and getting up to work every morning, hoping that life could pass by quickly and I can ‘get there’. My dad's advice is still to 'climb higher', but putting life in that narrow perspective makes me feel so trapped. Life is afterall, a journey and everything is transient. I'm learning and conditioning myself to be happy with less material needs these days.

I'm contented with what I have now although I'm still searching. No, I'm not ready for kids yet and I still think that my life ‘is pretty much over’ when I have kids (at least for a decade or so). I think young working mums would agree, while older mums who has been through it all have forgotten how it was like or find such self-sacrifice essential. Like it or not, children suck up all your time and energy and sacrifices have to be made. As much as I love children, I think I’m not ready yet and I should be thankful that the husband wants to wait. I don’t doubt that children will be fulfilling, but it’s like…getting a bikini body – you know it’ll be worth it when you look that great but you just don’t feel like putting in that effort and sacrifices to get there, yet.

This describes my state of mind at this point in life:

Success to me is not about money or status or fame. It’s about finding a livelihood that brings joy and self-sufficiency and a sense of contributing to the world.
-          Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop

.::. When September ends... .::.

September has come to an end, ending the 3^rd quarter of the year.

August was crazy. We joined the hordes of people leaving Singapore for the National Day long weekend, and after we got back, August just flew by. August was his nephew’s birthday – the special one - because he first brought me to meet his family at his nephew’s birthday as a friend 9 years ago. He was still a little boy then, but all grown up now. Then there was an old friend’s baby shower and another who has just given birth. Lots to celebrate and I’m overflowing with love for the people I care about.

September is the husband’s and brother’s birthday. I’ve got it all planned and ready! The past few years has been a blur. Last year’s September was during our difficult renovation period while the year before was the ballot for flats and subsequently planning our ROM. I can’t seem to remember what we’ve done, but I had it all planned this year. His birthday present was already shipped to our home some weeks ago – this indented Eames lounge chair in Oak which he has been eyeing since before renovation but budget did not allow us to get it.

September is also my tuitee’s PSLE exams. I’ve been contemplating to stop teaching tuition to focus on building a career and business instead. It’s extremely tiring to juggle work, teaching, ACCA classes and a new project. It’s a tough choice to make and part of me can’t bear to stop as I enjoy teaching and get a lot of satisfaction from the children I teach. It’s been almost 10 years since I’ve been teaching and I never stopped except for that year in Sweden. Part of me still wonders if I should teach for a living, simply because it’s something I enjoy doing. But after 6 MOE rejections despite my honors and a masters’ degree, a large part of me thinks that I shouldn’t force things and it isn’t meant to be. Afterall, teaching is a very small portion of a teacher’s job and I’m not too sure I will enjoy teaching with the politics and all.

September is also the month that I’ve finally finished paying for most of the installments for our household appliances! No more huge credit card bills even when I haven’t bought anything. I can’t remember the last time I shopped for myself. These days, I’m extra cautious about spending, because thinking of the future sends a shudder down my spine.  Cars are out of reach – we’re not sure about spending 2 grand every month. Children are ridiculously expensive with estimated cost at SGD$250,000 to rear a child in Singapore. The people around me ends up with hospital bills of between $8,000  - $18,000 just for giving birth at private hospitals. =_=” No wonder the husband insists on having more savings before we have kids.

Lastly, September is also a special month because we’ll launching a little dream, something which a few of us have been working on for the past weeks.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Lao Tzu

May this year end with a high-note! =)

.::. Short Red Bob .::.

Went to trim my bob and colored it red again. I still love my brown hair, but I know the red would go back to my brown very soon. It's really red now!



My hairstylist whom I've been seeing for the past 7 years or so commented that most of his customers do not go back to long hair after cutting it short. It's indeed so much more convenient and cooling, especially as I swim these days.

I may go back to long hair again after this grows out. The husband said he prefers me in long hair, and I kind of do miss my long hair.

.::. Swim, Swam, Shrunk .::.

I've started regular exercise yet again. Badminton and jogging hurts my knee, and the kickboxing I enjoy so much at the gym is somewhat far to go from office. I started swimming again after many donkey years. Surprisingly, I still swim well. I've forgot how much I loved swimming as a child.

Lucky for me, the pool is practically across the street, a 5-minute walk away.  I simply walk there with my suit below my clothes, strip and jump into the pool, then dry myself and walk back dressed in the same clothes. The whole workout takes about an hour and I still get to cook after swimming on weekdays.





Enroute to the pool in the evening.





The lap pool.  I love lap pools.  If I ever buy a condominium, I want one with a lap pool. Indoors (or sheltered) preferably!

I've set an aim for myself. To swim 1000 laps before the year ends.  I don't do things without setting aims. The initial plan was to do 50 laps a week.  I did it for quite a few weeks, but the rain and menses and the recent migraines put a halt to my somewhat ambition plans.  Somedays, I go to the pool when it's cloudy, only to realize that it's closed due to bad weather. That said, I will still do that 1000 laps this year!

Initially, it wasn't that easy going back to swimming full swing.  One lap of free-style made me breathless and tired.  I only managed to do a few free-style laps. Then it got easier after some time and I do alternate free-style and frog-style laps now.



I mentioned to the husband that I needed a stop-watch to time my laps.  These came in the mail few weeks later!



I wear the watch to my swims these days and time my laps.  It pushes me to go faster.



My fastest time for 30 laps is almost 47 minutes.  I hover between 47-48 minutes mostly and can't seem to get the timing down.

I'm aiming to go 45 minutes and below for 30 laps. Will try harder and report back when I manage to do it!

While hoping to shed some flab, the most important thing is to stay fit and healthy. I don't believe that anyone can stay healthy without regular exercise and being on your butt most of the time. I feel so much more toned and strong after these few months.

To fitness, health, and goals! =)

.::. Cropped .::.

This was me.



Then this happened.



This is now me.



And this is me today.

So, I went short.  It's been years, perhaps 6 or so since I had short hair.  Although I told my hairstylist that I'll come back for short hair when I did my hair before the wedding, he still kept asking if I was sure when I turned up 2 months after the wedding.  Everyone seem to be shocked by how easily I cut my hair.

It's just hair people!

I feel...or perhaps look younger.  Feel lighter.

New beginnings are great.  Change is great.

.::. Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013 .::.

Looking back at 2012 resolutions…

Remove clutter – Partially done.  But there’s so much more de-cluttering to do.  It takes time.  A lot of time.  And energy.

Stay healthy and fit – The first half of the year was good, but I practically stopped exercising since switching to the new job, renovation and moving into our new place.  I was rushing to the new place right after work, overseeing renovation works, doing household chores and all.  I suppose that is some sort of exercise too?  Diet wise, it has become a habit to have fruits daily and avoid oily/fried unhealthy food.

Good skin – Haven’t been too diligent, though maintaining the basic. 

Clear 3 papers -  I only cleared one.  Renovation for our home has took up most of the time this year.

Worry less, enjoy more – I suppose it’s something I’ve made progress with.  I’m less worrisome, more laidback.  So much so that, it’s barely 3 weeks before the wedding and we’re barely prepared.  The supposedly most important event in my life.  Come what may.  We do whatever we can and whatever happens, happens.  No point worrying about not having a complete guest list or seating plan when it’s not exactly within my control.  And if the wedding turns out to be a disaster, well, at that will give us something to laugh about in the years to come.  No point start worrying about things I can’t control now right?

Be happy – I can’t be happier, although shit do happen.  But being happy is a conscious choice that requires constant effort.  So yes, I’m surrounding myself with things and people who makes me happy, doing things which make me happy.  Having a cozy place to call home helps. The other part of being happy is staying away from things and people who makes me unhappy, keeping them at arms’ length.

Be a better person – Always trying, but it’s not possible to please everyone and I’m not going to try.  Sometimes, things get worse when you try to please others against your own gut instincts.  

2012 went by in a flash.  It probably holds the record for the year which flew by the quickest in my life.  The year started with choosing our flats in January, going to Nepal in March, collecting keys in April, starting renovation in June, finally ending renovation in September, moving in October, getting settled in before celebrating our 8^th anniversary in December.  There goes 2012.  It’s been an eventful year, so much to be thankful for, so much to learn from.

It’s been a happy year in all, despite some less-than-pleasant experiences.  There’s so many firsts in this year as we step into another stage of our lives.

2012 summarized:

Amazing

Eventful

Intense

Pivotal

2013 resolutions

Stay healthy and fit – Without health, nothing matters.  I must be more disciplined to keep up with my weekly regime and start strength/stamina training again.  I miss feeling really agile and enjoying my kickboxing sessions. The last time I went, I was panting like a dog and had bad aches after that. I really don’t care much about how people tell me that I should be slimmer or lose some weight (apart from being annoyed and classifying them as rude and inconsiderate), but I find myself falling sick more often when I do not exercise regularly.  So, back to the gym I go.

Be happy – To cherish every moment and enjoy all that I have now, and stay away from unhappy things/people, not let unimportant people make any impact on me.  Nobody can make you unhappy unless you let them.

Follow my heart – Life is too short, and shit always happens when I do not follow my heart. Many important decisions to make.

Keep our home a happy and cozy place – It takes effort to keep our home clean and neat, and filled with beautiful things.  Part of me am worried that it’ll be as cluttered as my parents’ home, which is honestly a nightmare to me.  I hope the genes isn’t that strong and I do not stop keeping the home neat and clean.  The husband helps with the chores, but only when he’s ‘free’ and feels like it.  I complain about it, but whoever who couldn’t take the pile of dirty laundry or sticky floor first will just have to do it.

Finish ACCA – 4 more papers.  A tall order.  Time to sacrifice free time and hide at home to study during weekends.

Here's to a better year ahead.  More happiness, more memories, more goals accomplished, more to be thankful for.

Bring it on 2013.  =)

.::. Sick .::.

I’ve been sick.  Since last Wednesday.  I got home and went right into bed after work.  The husband cooked steak for dinner, although I can barely swallow it down.  He thought that it would have made me happy.  I was coughing through the night and woke up with horrible body aches and fever.  It felt like all my bones were broken and moving simply hurts.  It took all my will power to get up for a shower and to see a doctor downstairs.  I simply couldn’t make it to central to see the better doctor.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday went by in a blur.  I woke up, I took medicine, I went back to sleep.  I managed to make it for brunch with the JC mates on Friday and the girls came by on Saturday for steamboat, reminding me how much I need to do before the pre-wed photoshoot and upcoming wedding.  I then spent the rest of the long weekend sleeping while the sweet husband cooked for me.  It got so bad that I finally relented and took anti-biotics on Sunday and went to the recommended doctor on Monday.

There goes my long weekend.

Is it almost November already?

I’m starved for time.  There’s so much to do and I’m barely coping with day-to-day routines, much less unpack and start preparing for everything else.

First thing first – get my health and strength back!

For now, I’m going to sentence myself to full house rest (apart from work) till I fully recover.

Jan will be back.  Soon.

.::. Panic Attacked! .::.

It suddenly hit me that September is almost over, and I’ve like 15 more weekends before THE big day. I started panicking big time.

We are not even done with the house yet.  We have not bought TV console, coffee table, bed frame, side tables, study table and lounge chair.  We have not even bought a vacuum cleaner, curtains are not up yet too.  I’ve not packed for nor prepared for the move, the house is not decorated at all. And to add salt to the wound, they gave us solid top instead of granite for our toilet and it’s still a big question mark how things would end up.  Replacing it would burn at least another of our weekend and I’m worried that my plumbing would be affected.  I really have no wish to drag my carpentry misery. They can actually insist that ‘their records show that we wanted solid top’ when the contract, all communications and discussions including emails and SMS indicated that we wanted granite.  Who in the right mind would want black solid top which scratches easily and show ugly white lines when the price difference is negligible?  I just had another horrible nightmare about carpentry last night, dreamt that they gave me all different cream and ugly colors for my kitchen solid top, insisting that it was what I chose.  I was so angry that I broke down and woke up with puffy eyes.

I got down to listing all the to-do stuff, and the list is really long.  I’ve been doing things bit by bit everyday this week since the husband is away.  So I bought a huge bag of stuff from Ikea including curtain rods, got help from neighbor to install all my curtain brackets and rods, got containers and stuff from Daiso and got the brother to help collect my dining chairs and curtains today.  Last weekend, the girls dropped by and delivered the kitchenaid to my doorstep too.

Many thanks to those who helped, no thanks to those who made things so difficult for us.

It’s time to start wedding preparations, although I really do not look forward to it at all.  To me, I’m already married and he’s already my husband, and it doesn’t really matter whether or not we have a ceremony – it’s just for show isn’t it?  But the show must go on.  I’m going to send my dress for alteration by next weekend, fixed my pre-wed photography date and did up a timeline for the rest of the stuff.  There’s so much details to take care of, and at times it really feels like a one-man-show and Jan can’t do so much all at once.  Jan doesn’t even have enough sleep, let alone groom myself and workout to look beautiful on my big day.

At times, it really takes so much to be in control of everything.  Jan’s on it!

.::. New Beginnings .::.

It’s already my 4th week at the new job. It’s a pretty big change from the previous job.  For one, I now start work at 8am and the alarm rings at an unearthly hour of 6am. I crawl out of bed when the skies are still dark and follow dad’s car out with my sisters who go to school.

It’s like going back to school, and it’s tough for me since I’m really not a morning person. The first day was hell, it took so much to concentration to stay awake and absorb new stuff. It got better as the week progressed, and I’m trying to sleep by 11pm (or latest by midnight) these days.

Work wise, it’s all good. So much to learn, a lot more technical things to know. From reading about alcohol and the luxury industry to cementing is a huge change, yet there’s something about oil and gas that fascinates me. It’s just like banking, fascinating yet somewhat a bore.

I love my huge work area (almost twice my old desk), the huge pantry that is stocked with the usual beverages and fresh milk for my coffee and Japanese green tea (no more Lipton green tea that makes me giddy), how everyone starts knocking off by 430pm, how the intranet has a huge wealth of information, how everything is so systematic and results oriented, how everyone seem to know their roles well, the decent notebooks and Pilot G2 pens (ex-company gave really lousy notebooks and cheap ball point pens despite being in the luxury industry), the staff-pass with my face on it, how little money I spend daily.

I dislike the location (super far especially if I want to head to town after work) and early hours (yet I like knocking off at 5pm), dislike it that I can’t have good lunches (but I like saving money). I reckon the worst part is the location and having to wake up so early! The husband keeps laughing at me, telling me that I’ll get used to it. It’ll be great after I move over to the new place and can start cooking dinner by 6pm or going to jog after work.

Meanwhile, it’s all about working towards our future together.  There’s so much going on, so much to do, so much to think about, so much to plan.  I’m still in search of that perfect job that pays well.

.::. Freedom .::.

Many people in the world are independent, but very few are free. Freedom implies great intelligence, does it not? To be free is to be intelligent, but intelligence does not come into being by just wishing to be free; it comes into being only when you begin to understand your whole environment, the social, religious, parental and traditional influences that are continually closing in on you. But to understand the various influences - the influence of your parents, of your government, of society, of the culture to which you belong, of your beliefs, your gods and superstitions, of the tradition to which you conform unthinkingly - to understand all these and become free from them requires deep insight; but you generally give in to them because inwardly you are frightened. You are afraid of not having a good position in life; you are afraid of what your priest will say; you are afraid of not following tradition, of not doing the right thing. But freedom is really a state of mind in which there is no fear or compulsion, no urge to be secure. --- Jiddu Krishnamurti

I have no fear. No fear of death. No fear of God. No fear to conform or please anyone, not even god.

If I die tomorrow, I die a happy person who knows that I've lived my life to the fullest.

Be true to yourself and fair to others, follow fundamental principles like respect, integrity, kindness and leave the rest to nature.

.::. Faint .::.

Yesterday, I was supposed to wake up early to get a few more bulbs/T5 lights before going down to the home for light installations.  I woke up with a slight tummy ache and had diarrhea.  At one point, it was so painful that I squeezed my eyes shut and held on to my tummy.

The next thing I know, I was on the floor.

For a moment, I did not know what was happening.  I thought I was still sleeping in bed.  Then I started groaning, trying hard to regain consciousness and open my eyes.  I was on the toilet floor, and pain was radiating from everywhere.  Then it hit me what I have lost consciousness and fell from the toilet bowl.

It's ridiculous! I've no idea what happened and it's the first time I lost consciousness.  I have a huge bump on my forehead, my cheek is bruised, my nose bridge hurts (luckily didn't have a nose job) and my gums were bleeding (i was wearing retainers).

They are still hurting now, and my parents heard a loud bang downstairs, not knowing that I fell.  I might have fell and hit my head on the sink and god-knows-where.

It has never happened before. Perhaps it's the nightmares and stress I've been under lately. =(

And the most amazing thing was, the first thought I had when I regained consciousness was that I need to get up and go get lights!

I haven't seen a doctor, since it's quite pointless and they're going to give me painkillers.  Moreover, I am in between jobs and couldn't claim the medical fees!

So I lay down for awhile and went to the house for lights installations, meeting with neighbors and spent most of the day sweeping the house floor.  My parents were worried and accompanied me to the house and bought lights, had lunch together before leaving me at my place.

Honestly, I don't feel that bad, except from some giddiness lately.  And I've been exercising every week too.  Sometimes I think that I really need to slow down and stop doing so many things all the time.  I'm always rushing to somewhere, and I really hope to have some time to myself, laze around and do nothing.  Hopefully things will slow down once the house is ready.

No more fainting!  It's really scary and painful..!

.::. Loving Work? .::.

Today, I visited my place after work and hosted an almost stranger who requested to view our place.  I'm pretty open in that sense, I wouldn't mind sharing my place with people, and getting to know different people.  I would like to invite people to my home.  It's like the many Swedish and friends who welcomed me into their homes with open arms while I was alone in a foreign land.  It was so heartwarming, and makes the world a better place when people are so open and friendly.  If all of them closed their doors and seen me as a strange Asian, I suppose my experience in Sweden wouldn't have been as great as it has been.

There was the usual talk, showing him around and discussing how we intend to do up our place.  He just returned to Singapore after spending a few years abroad.  He's in the financial sector and I shared that I was sort of in finance too.  Then, he asked me a question out of the blue.

He asked me if I liked my job.

I was taken aback and dumbfounded for a moment.  Little did I expect this from a near stranger who I met for the first time.  I blinked twice and didn't know exactly what to say for a moment.

Then, I said no.  Quietly.  Guiltily.

This is a question which haunts me all the time.  This is the question which I have been asking myself for a long time.  I knew the answer, and have never stopped searching for what I liked doing.  Keep searching, Steve Jobs said.  I never stopped, yet I don't feel like I'm nearer to the answer.

It's the first time someone actually asked me this.  The first time I actually said it out loud and conceded that I do not like my job very much.

It's apparent that he's jaded and also searching.  Well, it pays the bills I said.  It isn't that bad, since I'm in an industry that was fun and glamourous.  There were perks like having great food and drinking nice champagne often.  But when it comes to the job itself, I guess I'll have to admit that I don't like it that much.  It isn't a difficult job, isn't that challenging but it can be frustrating and very operational at times.

I don't hate my job, it's alright.  But there's a huge difference between being passionate about what you do and finding your job bearable isn't it?  And it is after being in the workforce for some time that I finally admit that you can't excel in something you are not passionate in.  It's one thing being good at what you do, and another excelling in what you do.  

It comes back to the question, what do I like to do?

It's complicated, because you might not be good in what you like to do and what you like to do may not pay the bills.  Someone once told me in a matter of fact - then be good at what you like to do.  It sounded so simple, coming from someone who is actually good at what she likes to do.  Yet she chose to leave what she liked to do for a better paid job.  She told me that it wasn't worth it and she might well go back to what she likes to do soon.

It's those people who get to do what they like to do whom I deeply admire.  Anyone can give you any advice and tell you how difficult and realistic this world is.  Yet how many could actually go against all forces and pursue what they like?

No, I haven't found the answer.  And yes, I'll keep searching.  

Maybe one day, I can get to admire myself and my courage.

Thank you for making an impact today stranger.

.::. Troubled .::.

Source: eighteen25.blogspot.com via Abby on Pinterest

Gotta have faith that good things will come my way, because I have been good.

Come what may, I already have the most important things in life.

.::. 2012 .::.

Before I realize, it's already the 2nd day of 2012.

I read this very meaningful article  and felt like it would be a good basis to start the year with.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” 

Resolutions?

Remove clutter.

That's one thing which I didn't get to do enough last year, and one thing I'm going to work on this year.  This is especially so when I'm moving to my own place sometime this year.  I keep asking myself if I'll use it the next year or so?  If I'm simply going to keep it and not use it, dump it!

Stay healthy and fit.

I went for a pretty comprehensive body checkup in 2011, since it's paid for by the company.  It appears that everything's perfect.  I would like to continue working out and building up my strength and stamina in the coming year, and hopefully be leaner and toner.

Good skin.

Fix my eczema and improve my complexion.  Nobody will help you to improve how you look and how much effort you put on yourself reflects on how much you love yourself.

Clear 3 papers.

I still have 5 more papers to clear before I get that damned CPA title.  I shall aim to clear 3 papers in 2012 and finish the exams once and for all in 2013!  I've enrolled for classes which will start on the 5th January.  Needs more motivation and determination.

Worry less, enjoy more.

I worry too much, I imagine all the worst possibilities and try to prepare for every single one.  It helps sometimes and prepares me for things like interviews.  But most of the time, every single moment I worry means that I forget to enjoy and lose another moment of happiness.  I shall try to be enjoy more, come what may.

Be happy.

Life is too short. I become acutely aware of it as I grow older.  People will always talk and you can never please everyone.  Keep those who make you happy and care for you genuinely close and stay away from those who spreads bad energy and thoughts into your head.  Keep those who care for you genuinely but spread bad energy to you at arm's length.  Yes, it doesn't matter if they have good intentions.

Be a better person.

It's hard to come to terms with imperfections and things which you wished could have been different.  Be contented with the good things you have anyway and keep negative feelings at bay.  It's so easy to blame others for your own actions.  People can be horrible to you, but refrain from doing any horrible things anyway.  I shall try to grow more as a person and handle myself and situations better.

Maturity and knowledge does not come with the time passage of life, but through conscious learning through mistakes and experiences.

There goes.

May 2012 be a better year.

.::. This year - 2011 .::.

I made my resolutions for this year earlier in the year, and before I know it, the year is coming to an end and it's time to take stock of what I have or have not accomplished this year.

-  Keeping active and healthy.
I've made some progress this year and I'm fitting back into all the dresses I couldn't used to.  *yay. I'm probably still not at my best yet and I would like to get leaner.  I still don't like how I look, but I'm glad I did it the natural, sustainable way this time round.  I reckon it's time for more cardio after all that muscles I gained.  I do feel a lot stronger though.

- Save and Invest
I honestly did!  My endowment and investment plans are working in the background and my account balance has been growing.  Since we will be getting our flat and doing renovations next year, it becomes even more important to be prudent.

- Good Skin
Switching to better skincare products and being very disciplined about it every night (and day) has does wonders to my complexion.  I'm happy, but it needs to be maintained as I step into my 'late-twenties'.  *horrors.  And since I realized that soy is the reason for my eczema, the skin on my leg has been healing pretty well.  Hopefully I can wear dresses soon, and I swear I will buy all the most beautiful dresses!

- Remove clutter and pack my room
I have to admit that I barely made any progress on this!  Has it been a year already?!  It has always been on my mind but I haven't seem to be doing it enough.  Moreover people are giving me things 'for my new house'.  I guess I will have to do something about this eventually as I have to move into my new house.

- Be a better person
This is always something to work on.  I'm trying, to be more positive, to worry less, shut away negative emotions and fill myself with all the positive things in life.

This has been an amazing year for me.

Obviously, the biggest change this year was to be married.  I never would have imagined I made it there so quickly, perhaps there were even times when I doubted that I will ever get there.  There's so much to be thankful for, and he has really proven himself and his sincerity in spending the rest of our lives together.  I guess there's no one else whom I could do this with.

We have also been to U.S.A together this year.  It's another country stoke of my list.  There are still a few more countries which I'd like to travel to before I really settle down and have kids.  Hopefully, we can visit Nepal and trek into the mountains near Mount Everest in 2012!

On the job front, the job-switch has been pretty good so far and I'm thankful to have met very nice colleagues and a nice boss.  It's not perfect, but since it pays decently and the workload is alright, I guess I'll be hanging around for awhile unless something good comes along.

Friends and family has been really supportive and nice too.  I'm grateful to be surrounded by nice people, and it's all that matters.

The next few years are gonna be exciting ones, and years which I should savor.

As we get our flats next year, the renovations will start and I'm going to see my dream unfold in front of my very own eyes!  I'm excited and really looking forward with building our love nest together.  That will probably be the highlight and focus of 2012.

It has been a great 2011, no regrets, just full of gratifying and memorable moments.  =)

.::. Oh my god! .::.

Deep within me, perhaps I have already knew all along that this will come someday.

He is Christian, baptized as a child but never been to church for the past 10 years and probably doesn't know much about the bible. I'm a free-thinker who goes to the temple and follows some Chinese traditions I grew up with. Between the 2 of us, religion has never been a problem as both of us are not religious. Right from the start, we have came to an understanding that I will not convert even if I marry him some day. He doesn't expect me to, and it's not important to him. It was crucial for me, because I can never be able to do it and wouldn't have started a relationship with a religious person in the first place. I hated people who preached and evangelized, who tried to convert people and imposed their values on others. It was a form of disrespect for me, and if you really respected another individual, you wouldn't keep trying to change them but accept them as they are.

I believe in god. But I never believed in religion. I have read enough history and sociology to realize how religion could be a double-edged sword. People could be so consumed by their religion that they end up doing things against humanity, yet still believe that they are doing it in the name of god. Even people of different branches of the same religion could fight for years, resulting in countless lives lost. I don't believe that there is any religion which would condone killings and discrimination, yet as a matter of fact, lives are lost in the pursuit of religious beliefs.

I reckon it really boils down to one's belief system and values, and religion is a very sensitive issue. It's an individual's choice and way of life, it's not something that could be forced upon.

So, what do you do with stanch Christians who insist that you have to convert to Christianity to find happiness in life? I avoid them like a plague.

But what do you do when your future mother-in-law insists that you MUST go to church and convert to Christianity before marrying her son?

I know family is important and a marriage is not simply about both of us. But his paternal side are Buddhists while his mother is a Christian and brought him to church as a child. It really does not make sense to force a religion upon me and insist that I change. Moreover, we have been dating for the past 7 years and he has also told his mother about my stand on religion and to seek her understanding and acceptance some time ago. She has not ever spoken to me directly about this nor really tried to make us go to the church the past years.

Yet now, when we are planning to ROM, religion becomes a big issue.

She thinks that a couple must have the same religion, namely Christianity, for a relationship to work. She says it's too soon. Too soon when we've dated for 7 years, will be getting our flat keys within the next 6 months, have stable jobs and are in our mid-twenties? It's hurtful. Does that mean that she never expected us to get married or that she thinks that I would naturally convert when we get married despite knowing my stand on religion? I went to read up about it and indeed, Christians perceive non-believers as 'evil' and would lead Christians astray. Thus, it's essential for a non-believer to convert to find happiness in marriage. I don't think she ever knew me as a person, and she knows nothing of our relationship and how much we have been through the past 7 years. It hasn't been an easy journey for 2 of us to survive so many different stages in life for the past 7 years. It's hard enough to find your soul mate in life and make a relationship work!

The most frustrating thing is that I am never spoken directly to and it's the boyfriend who has been bearing everything. I can't even speak up for myself. I know how overbearing and dictating she can be, and he has always yielded to her wishes and avoided confrontation mostly. This makes it harder for her to swallow, since she's so used to getting her way.

I have considered what it takes to appease his mum and make things easier for us - to convert. But I simply couldn't do it. It's not me. And if I lose myself and my identity, I lose everything. You can't love someone when you don't love yourself enough. I would like to believe that it's one of the reason why he's in love with me. Given my strong individualism, it's easier to leave the relationship and lose a part of myself than lose control of my life for the next 50 years.

I don't think it's possible to change her mind either, not that I intend to. I can just hope that she can accept our differences and still give us her blessing. All I can do is prove that a relationship can work even without having Jesus in the equation. Can't she see how happy we both are together?

Religions are not intended to be sources of conflict. Some values transcend all religious beliefs, all cultures and all races, and form the basis of all relationships.

I honestly think that mutual respect is the basis of all relationship. It's one thing which the boyfriend taught me throughout the years. There are times when we quarreled and I get really frustrated and question why is he the way he is. It was he who told me so earnestly to accept him for who he is and love him for it instead of trying to change him. It made a very big impact on me and how I handles conflicts and our differences. He is a man of a few words, yet when he speaks, he makes a statement.

The thing about mutual respect is that it embraces a lot more than simply being nice or polite to someone. It encompasses accepting others the way they are and appreciating their differences without trying to judge or change them.

I can't embrace religion, for I think that it would make me narrow-minded. Do Christians really believe that non-believers are 'evil' and must be rescued lest they go to hell?

As much as I try to keep an open mind and try not to let things bring me down, I can't say that I'm not upset. It's painful, but I need to keep a part of me safe to keep myself sane. I can only trust and have faith in him. Even if things don't work out, I'm lucky to have been in a beautiful relationship for the past 7 years and there are still so many other things in life to look forward to.

I once read a quote which I really liked. Nobody can make you sad if you don't let them. Once you adopt such a mindset, it's like you are untouchable, above all things else. I still have the power to make my choices in life, and I will never yield.

How now? I be patient, wait and have faith. It may be the final challenge to go through before we can really be joined in matrimony. He always reminded me that I'm marrying him, not his family, and I hope he meant what he said. I believe that god is a reasonable person and would not make things difficult for a couple really in love.

Whatever it is, life goes on and I refuse to spend another day in my life wallowing in sorrow.

I need to find peace and start having me beauty sleep again. I can't believe that I have totally lost my appetite these 2 days. I ain't even tempted by BBQ Chicken Wings, barely finished my lunch nor my tom yum noodles tonight.

Seriously, oh my god. WTF? I thought things like that only happened in the movies.