.::. Moving On .::.

Moving on is hard. Those darkest moments still haunt me.  I acknowledge them and try to work with the dread and negativity that envelops me now and then. You would think that time can dull the pain and make things better, but sometimes the wound is just held together and waiting to burst apart again.  It doesn't help that the wound is constantly tugged at.  

One can forgive, but trying to forget might take a lifetime of effort. Two people who can have some sort of relationship has to be based on basic respect and communication, otherwise it'll just be dreadful.

Would you constantly tell a vegetarian how delicious meat is and that they should eat it?  You wouldn't if you respect their beliefs and want to build a relationship with them right?  Doesn't matter if you truly think that meat tastes good and just want to share what you believe is good.

So now, why is it alright for a Christian to constantly evangelize and talk about God this and that and ask you to pray to God all the time?  Would one still do that if they truly respect another's religion and their beliefs and is serious about building a relationship?  My stomach turns, hands go cold and heartbeat hastens whenever the evangelizing starts, and I truly don't understand why it's so difficult to you know, leave me alone, stop trying to evangelize like a persistent salesman.  It's truly dreadful to go through this again and again, not being able to escape.  And it's impossible to have a proper conversation, much less a proper relationship with someone who takes every chance to evangelize and bring God into the picture.

Enough is enough. 

“To heal a wound, you need to stop touching it.”

I want and need to move on.

.::. Religion & Respect .::.

"Do to no one what you yourself dislike." —Tobit 4:15

  "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." - Luke 6:31

How would Christians feel if you knowingly and purposely give them Buddhist scriptures or readings about other religion? How would they feel if you keep telling them again and again that Jesus is not god and does not exist?

Anyone who respects another's religion will never knowingly do that.

After receiving angbaos with bible quotes and christianity books, I've yet again received more booklets about Christianity.  At this rate, I am going to receive bibles soon.

And how do I feel?  How am I supposed to feel?

I swallow this, because I love my husband, because I try to avoid conflict.  I put up a facade and take all these that come my way, just because these are people I call my family.  Family who will never get to know who I am as a person, family who only thinks about changing my religion and do not respect me as a person nor my personal choice of religion. It's really a form of torture to me, having to constantly put up with these.

Why oh why, do Christians selectively follow bible verses?  What happened to respect? Doesn't the bible teach about respect?

.::. Freedom .::.

Many people in the world are independent, but very few are free. Freedom implies great intelligence, does it not? To be free is to be intelligent, but intelligence does not come into being by just wishing to be free; it comes into being only when you begin to understand your whole environment, the social, religious, parental and traditional influences that are continually closing in on you. But to understand the various influences - the influence of your parents, of your government, of society, of the culture to which you belong, of your beliefs, your gods and superstitions, of the tradition to which you conform unthinkingly - to understand all these and become free from them requires deep insight; but you generally give in to them because inwardly you are frightened. You are afraid of not having a good position in life; you are afraid of what your priest will say; you are afraid of not following tradition, of not doing the right thing. But freedom is really a state of mind in which there is no fear or compulsion, no urge to be secure. --- Jiddu Krishnamurti

I have no fear. No fear of death. No fear of God. No fear to conform or please anyone, not even god.

If I die tomorrow, I die a happy person who knows that I've lived my life to the fullest.

Be true to yourself and fair to others, follow fundamental principles like respect, integrity, kindness and leave the rest to nature.

.::. The MIL .::.

Every one of us have heard horror stories about MIL and how difficult it is to maintain a good relationship with your MIL.  Little did I expect that it will become one of the biggest problem in my life some day.  Afterall, I'm pretty easy-going and generally try to avoid conflicts as much as possible.  I always keep my distance and avoid people who I do not click with.  It keeps my inner-circle close and I only care about those who matters.

I've been having nightmares. Literally.  I dreamt that his uncle called me, and asked me to go down to see his mother.  Something terrible happened. And when I went there, his maternal family was there.  I can't remember the details, I only remembered that they tried really hard to convince me to convert to Christianity, and I chose to leave the husband.   I told the husband, I can't do this anymore, I wanted a divorce. I'm sorry. And if someday, things change, he can come back for me but I can't stay married to him and endure these from his family anymore. The sadness I felt was so intense, I felt so helpless.  I woke up in tears, it felt so real and I continued brawling for quite some time.  I was so very sad.

Do not do unto others what you do not want others do unto you.  The golden rule, and I believe it must be in the bible somewhere right?  I can't understand how these staunch evangelist can try so whole-heatedly to change others' religion at the expense of relationships around them and still think they are doing others a favour.  How would they feel if I kept trying to tell them that my god is real while theirs isn't?  How would they feel if I kept trying to convert them?  How do you have any relationship with someone who tries so hard to change your beliefs without knowing who you really are nor respect you as an individual with different beliefs?

It's a struggle trying to make sense of the dynamics of the MIL-DIL relationship.  When we just started dating 7 years ago, everything was great.  She invited me to come over often, told me how her son changed for the better after he got to know me, encouraged us to go dating more often.  Then somewhere along the way, things started to change.  We start to get questions like where are we going, why ain't we eating at home, and you start feeling the shift in attitude.

The worst part for me was knowing that she opposes to our marriage just because I was not a Christian.  It was so hurtful when she say things like we are too young when we were 26, it was too soon when we have dated for 7 years, that his father opposed to our marriage although he obviously said no such thing.  Did she think that she could convince her son to make me convert although it was communicated to her quite some time ago that I will not?  Or did she think that her son probably wouldn't end up marrying me despite our 7 year relationship?  Everything went downhill since then. I seemed to have become the enemy who has led her son astray.  I was going to hell while her precious son will go to heaven, and our kids will suffer because the bible says the world will end someday.  I guess I would be the one pushing my children to hell because I wouldn't bring them up as Christians? Can't she see or feel our love for each other throughout the years?  Can't she see how happy we are together?  Can't she realize how much anguish she is causing everyone?

It's extremely painful, knowing that you are not accepted and unworthy just because of your religion (or lack thereof).  Afterall, I have made the effort to attend every single family dinner or gathering the past 7 years without fail, turning up more often than his own sister and uncle.  I was the one who bought his family presents without fail every Christmas.  Surely all these count for something over the years?  I've came to realize that these doesn't mean much.

The husband once told me that it doesn't matter, because I'm marrying him, not his family.  And now, he says that I'm marrying into his family.  I guess there's no running away from these problems, and only very lucky girls end up with good husbands and good MILs.  Sometimes you get good MILs but horrible husbands, so I suppose that I'm getting the better deal.

I do worry about how these will evolve over the years, and both of us are struggling to handle these in our own ways.  We don't talk much about it, because both of us are hurting, and I know that he can only try this hard to appease everyone and fulfil his duties as a son and husband and still perform at work.  One woman is the one who gave birth to him, gave him life and brought him up, while the other is his chosen life partner, the one whom he loves and seeks to protect, and be the mother of his future children. I know that at the end of the day, the person who hurts most is the one both of us love.  I never doubted her good intentions, yet I wonder if she realizes how much anguish, frustration and pain she has inflicted on him. I guess I finally understood what he meant after going through all these with him.

As much as I believe that love never fails and can conquer many things, there are many moments of doubt and despair.  Despite all, there's still this blind faith that everything happens for a reason.  God must have the power to touch everyone, yet there must be a reason why there exists so many religions in the world.  Perhaps it's his way of reaching out to many more people, or a tool to teach people things like tolerance, respect and acceptance.  And there must be a reason why someone like me have so much blind faith despite not having a religion, and the Christian way is not the only way to live a happy and fulfilling life.

I will try all I can to make this work.  But I ever told him that there's a limit to everything, and I am up to my neck, so don't blame me when I retaliate. I can't and won't change myself, and there has to be a balance.  I do not have the capacity to love and be loving when I do not love myself enough.  And when the day comes when leaving him is less painful than staying married to him, it's gonna be a very difficult choice.

I pray that her god will let her see the light, let her see how her seemingly good intentions are inflicting so much pain to people around her, give her the capacity to love others even when they have different beliefs, give her the capacity to accept that god made everyone an individual instead of trying to change them into what she thinks is best, give her the wisdom to see the consequences of her actions and most importantly, to find happiness in life.

I know a few truly Christian friends, and one ever told me, love more, love them anyway.

And I will love, give all I have to be a good wife and create a happy family for the both of us and try to love this woman who gave me the best husband I can ever ask for.

Love more, and perhaps I will hurt less.  

After all, love never fails.  Right?

.::. C'est la vie .::.

A friend posted this on Facebook:

Start spending time with nice people who are smart, driven and like-minded. Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you – people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. When you free yourself of negative people, you free yourself to be YOU – and being YOU is the simplest way to live.

Isn't it so true?

Surround yourself with things and people who make you happy.  Free yourself of negative people. 

Simple enough right?

But...what if it's one plus one?  What if the person who brings you the most happiness, loves and respects you also brings along the person who brings the most negativity into your life?

C'est la vie.

Somehow, things will work out for love never fails.

.::. Going Ahead .::.

She finally gave the nod, and it seems like I won't have to convert anymore!

Honestly, it's not like I haven't tried and give thought to it. But it really feels beyond me, like every cell in my body is rejecting Christianity. It's not god I'm rejecting, it's the bible I'm rejecting. I can't accept many of the teachings inside although most of them must be good. It's my identity, I simply don't see myself as a Christian and living for god and god only. And why is it that only certain religions makes people convert more than others? I still love going to the temple when I'm troubled, 拜虎爷，求签，and pray with joss sticks. Making me stop doing this is like, asking me to be vegetarian. Part of me wonder if this is about family politics or really religion, but whatever it is, I'm glad it's over.

For now, things are the way they are and we just have to move on and look forward to the better things in life. There's still a long road ahead, more challenges, more obstacles and also more happy moments to cherish.

It feels so surreal. I'm really getting married, to the guy I've dated for 7 years.

My aunts came over on Sunday night for dinner, and I feel loved. It's interesting since one of my aunt is Catholic and the other is leaning towards Taoism?

I've got my aunt to do my hair for me since I'd really prefer to save some money. I'll be doing my own makeup too since none of the makeup artist impresses me. Moreover, we are really using up all our savings for the house and every little bit counts.

This is my favourite hairdo.

This is another try.

And this was what she did for me when I was young, as a kid.

Super funny.

I'm all ready to fight for my own happiness.

.::. Oh my god! .::.

Deep within me, perhaps I have already knew all along that this will come someday.

He is Christian, baptized as a child but never been to church for the past 10 years and probably doesn't know much about the bible. I'm a free-thinker who goes to the temple and follows some Chinese traditions I grew up with. Between the 2 of us, religion has never been a problem as both of us are not religious. Right from the start, we have came to an understanding that I will not convert even if I marry him some day. He doesn't expect me to, and it's not important to him. It was crucial for me, because I can never be able to do it and wouldn't have started a relationship with a religious person in the first place. I hated people who preached and evangelized, who tried to convert people and imposed their values on others. It was a form of disrespect for me, and if you really respected another individual, you wouldn't keep trying to change them but accept them as they are.

I believe in god. But I never believed in religion. I have read enough history and sociology to realize how religion could be a double-edged sword. People could be so consumed by their religion that they end up doing things against humanity, yet still believe that they are doing it in the name of god. Even people of different branches of the same religion could fight for years, resulting in countless lives lost. I don't believe that there is any religion which would condone killings and discrimination, yet as a matter of fact, lives are lost in the pursuit of religious beliefs.

I reckon it really boils down to one's belief system and values, and religion is a very sensitive issue. It's an individual's choice and way of life, it's not something that could be forced upon.

So, what do you do with stanch Christians who insist that you have to convert to Christianity to find happiness in life? I avoid them like a plague.

But what do you do when your future mother-in-law insists that you MUST go to church and convert to Christianity before marrying her son?

I know family is important and a marriage is not simply about both of us. But his paternal side are Buddhists while his mother is a Christian and brought him to church as a child. It really does not make sense to force a religion upon me and insist that I change. Moreover, we have been dating for the past 7 years and he has also told his mother about my stand on religion and to seek her understanding and acceptance some time ago. She has not ever spoken to me directly about this nor really tried to make us go to the church the past years.

Yet now, when we are planning to ROM, religion becomes a big issue.

She thinks that a couple must have the same religion, namely Christianity, for a relationship to work. She says it's too soon. Too soon when we've dated for 7 years, will be getting our flat keys within the next 6 months, have stable jobs and are in our mid-twenties? It's hurtful. Does that mean that she never expected us to get married or that she thinks that I would naturally convert when we get married despite knowing my stand on religion? I went to read up about it and indeed, Christians perceive non-believers as 'evil' and would lead Christians astray. Thus, it's essential for a non-believer to convert to find happiness in marriage. I don't think she ever knew me as a person, and she knows nothing of our relationship and how much we have been through the past 7 years. It hasn't been an easy journey for 2 of us to survive so many different stages in life for the past 7 years. It's hard enough to find your soul mate in life and make a relationship work!

The most frustrating thing is that I am never spoken directly to and it's the boyfriend who has been bearing everything. I can't even speak up for myself. I know how overbearing and dictating she can be, and he has always yielded to her wishes and avoided confrontation mostly. This makes it harder for her to swallow, since she's so used to getting her way.

I have considered what it takes to appease his mum and make things easier for us - to convert. But I simply couldn't do it. It's not me. And if I lose myself and my identity, I lose everything. You can't love someone when you don't love yourself enough. I would like to believe that it's one of the reason why he's in love with me. Given my strong individualism, it's easier to leave the relationship and lose a part of myself than lose control of my life for the next 50 years.

I don't think it's possible to change her mind either, not that I intend to. I can just hope that she can accept our differences and still give us her blessing. All I can do is prove that a relationship can work even without having Jesus in the equation. Can't she see how happy we both are together?

Religions are not intended to be sources of conflict. Some values transcend all religious beliefs, all cultures and all races, and form the basis of all relationships.

I honestly think that mutual respect is the basis of all relationship. It's one thing which the boyfriend taught me throughout the years. There are times when we quarreled and I get really frustrated and question why is he the way he is. It was he who told me so earnestly to accept him for who he is and love him for it instead of trying to change him. It made a very big impact on me and how I handles conflicts and our differences. He is a man of a few words, yet when he speaks, he makes a statement.

The thing about mutual respect is that it embraces a lot more than simply being nice or polite to someone. It encompasses accepting others the way they are and appreciating their differences without trying to judge or change them.

I can't embrace religion, for I think that it would make me narrow-minded. Do Christians really believe that non-believers are 'evil' and must be rescued lest they go to hell?

As much as I try to keep an open mind and try not to let things bring me down, I can't say that I'm not upset. It's painful, but I need to keep a part of me safe to keep myself sane. I can only trust and have faith in him. Even if things don't work out, I'm lucky to have been in a beautiful relationship for the past 7 years and there are still so many other things in life to look forward to.

I once read a quote which I really liked. Nobody can make you sad if you don't let them. Once you adopt such a mindset, it's like you are untouchable, above all things else. I still have the power to make my choices in life, and I will never yield.

How now? I be patient, wait and have faith. It may be the final challenge to go through before we can really be joined in matrimony. He always reminded me that I'm marrying him, not his family, and I hope he meant what he said. I believe that god is a reasonable person and would not make things difficult for a couple really in love.

Whatever it is, life goes on and I refuse to spend another day in my life wallowing in sorrow.

I need to find peace and start having me beauty sleep again. I can't believe that I have totally lost my appetite these 2 days. I ain't even tempted by BBQ Chicken Wings, barely finished my lunch nor my tom yum noodles tonight.

Seriously, oh my god. WTF? I thought things like that only happened in the movies.