.::. CNY .::.

Last year's Chinese New Year, I was away from home. I really wished I was home though, and I ended up spending that weekend at Stockholm with Emma. It was really cold and snowy, it was also Valentines' Day. I reckon that little distraction made everything easier, since I skipped most of the gatherings with the chinese and taiwanese.

This year Chinese New Year, I almost wished that I was far away. For some reason, I haven't been looking forward to it. All people ask about is when I'm getting married. It's not that I don't want to, but I simply can't.

There's this auntie of his, who always make comments about my weight everytime she sees me. She either tells me that I should lose weight, I am getting fatter and fatter or that it's time I start lossing weight. Who gives people red packets and tell them 你应该去减肥了?! How am I supposed to react? Today, I managed to retort. I asked her why - 为什么呢？And told her that I like it this way. I'm not that fat, why do I need to lose weight? 我喜欢这样啊，又不是很肥，为什么要去减肥？！ I wonder if she got it. She ended up saying that I don't eat that much, but don't know why I am fat. Just like his other cousin. 又不是吃很多，为什么会肥啊，跟那个谁一样。

It ruined my day.

The boyfriend says I should fight my own battles when it comes to his family. He says I should tell people how I feel, otherwise they wouldn't know how I feel. Silence means consent. So if I keep quiet, it means that I do not mind, so I should accept it instead of complaining. To him, these are just comments, and people do not have bad intentions. He asked me to look at myself, since I'm upset with people who has no bad intentions.

I'm still trying to digest these. Perhaps it makes sense, but it's so difficult. How the hell do I tell people how I feel when I feel like saying 'It's none of your fucking business! Shut up and go away.'? These are people who are his family. I know I should try to put in across in a tactful way or just ignore these and move on. But I don't know how to, and there are many things which really drives me crazy. This is only the tip of the iceberg.

I feel upset. With myself. Because I'm too weak, I can't rise above everything and take them in my stride like what I should do. Sometimes I feel myself falling apart, vulnerable and broken. I feel horrible, and I beat myself up for feeling all these. I think less of myself as a person. It's a struggle. I don't like who I am now. But it's all my doing, my own choices. I can't seem to do anything right. I looked into the mirror and started brawling, till I had no tears left in me.

He said that I was going to marry him, not his family or anyone else. He asked me if I was willing to go through everything with him given the situation.

I feel that things would have been easier if he could help me out at times. Perhaps tell his aunt jokingly to stop saying me, and that he likes me the way I am - I would have felt alot better. Or perhaps help to communicate some things to his family, in a nice way of course. But he's not that type. He thinks I should fight my own battles or accept things the way they are. Otherwise, he'll be the one leaving when he's stucked in everything and everyone's complaining.

Although he says that he'll stand by me, there are times when I feel really alone. Like it's all my own doing for feeling all I feel. He asked me if I'll let him go easily after 6 years. But I don't like fighting with others for things, I'll usually give up and let them have it insteadm of going through all the trouble. Sometimes, I think it's all too difficult. I am not strong enough for all these. Everyone will end up getting hurt in the process.

He asked me, what's the point if everything was so easy and you didn't have to fight for it? You wouldn't cherish it. But I really wouldn't mind living in a farm and going through everyday with someone I love. Isn't it easier to be happy and contented when things were easy?

I was really happy alone last year. I didn't have any negativity around me, all I felt was gratitude and thankful for every single day. Life was mundane and I complained about petty things like the weather, yet deep down inside I was happy for all the little things.

Magazines and books always tell you to be true to yourself and live life the way you want to find happiness. It makes sense, but sometimes I find it selfish. I don't want my happiness to be built upon someone's saddness. And it's precisely why I'm struggling. I can't avoid surronding myself with negative forces which upsets me.

What am I supposed to do? I don't know. I'm tired. I need time to strengthen my soul.

All I know is that, something isn't right. It can't be right when I'm not happy and all I feel is despair.

I'm thankful to have loved ones around me. I just hope that they love me enough to accept me for who I am and stay behind me no matter what happens.