.::. Growing Up .::.

I went for my first house-viewing last weekend with the boyfriend. We went to visit Tampines's Centrale 8 DBSS since we were interested in the Clementi one with pretty good location near the MRT and the malls.

As much as I love small and cozy apartments, I was really rather shocked by how small apartments have become. I reckon I still live in memories of my old Bukit Purmei flat where I grew up. It was a 1300sqf flat which had plenty of room - I even cycled in it often. The living room could barely fit a 3-seater sofa, the kitchen only had enough room for an oven/microwave on the top, the bedrooms could only fit a queen size bed without any bedside table and the dining room only fit a round table with 4 chairs.

To be honest, it's comfortable enough for a couple. But I wouldn't be able to invite many people over, nor do I have space for my oven and coffee machine in the kitchen. There's also not much space for me to renovate the house the way I want it. Moreover, it's pretty costly. Although we can afford monthly payments by CPF, I've to make sure that I've a job for the next 30 years!

I love the Clementi location though, near the MRT, very near a good primary school, and near my current house. But I reckon I'll really need to think through things again. I've been reading up so much about all the HDB rules, researching on the rental yields, resale prices and upcoming launches and procedures. It's exciting yet scary at the same time.

Perhaps my dreams are coming true, all that I ever wanted since I was a young girl. What was important to me was finding a soulmate whom I can spend my life with and having my own house where I can decorate it and cook and make it our home. I'm crossing my fingers, hoping that I don't jinx things by saying these out loud. Yet on the other hand, I feel like sharing all my happiness and excitement with everyone. It simply can't be contained. Maybe, just maybe, if you want something with all your heart, it can't elude you.

It's really till times like these, planning for the future that makes me feel acutely aware of my age. Is it really time for all the responsibilities and serious stuff already?

Despite all the excitement for the future, I'm apprehensive. I love my alone-time very much. I like being alone, daydreaming, working out, go through my skincare routine and 'doing my thing' without being watched. I'm not sure how I will adapt when there's someone always around. Am I supposed to sleep when he does? Or watch TV when he feels like it? And when it's time for kids, the endless nights of bawling and constant supervision of a little baby - how am I supposed to cope with kids, work and everything? I know many women have gone through this stage and emerged stronger, but am I really ready for this? I always thought I was, yet now I'm somewhat apprehensive when it's almost time to take the plunge.

I guess I'm just being worrisome, and I know in my heart that everything will turn out fine. But it doesn't stop me from worrying either. My mind is overdriven with thoughts from everywhere. Now I know what people mean when they say their twenties flashed by before they realized.

Just tonight, I came home early and intended to workout and research more about my favourite topic - housing. Then, I came home to see my mum feeding my 15-year-old sister. God knows how the anger flashed through me. I reckon I do not need to go into details what nasty things which came out from my mouth. I seldom get angry these days, I take most things in my stride, yet at times like this, it takes extraordinary strength to keep my calm.

I still remember that my mother used to make milo for me, and put it in a milkbottle for me to drink when I was in Primary school. I wasn't a morning person even then. I happily sucked my milo in bed till it was really time to get up and change for school. I never gave a second thought about drinking from a milk bottle at aged 7, since it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. Yet there was once, when my relatives came to my place, and the topic suddenly came up. My relatives were obviously appalled to learn that I was still drinking from a milk bottle while my mother happily shared that information with them, as if it was something which she had no choice about. I still remembered feeling so upset and embarrassed while they discussed about it when it was apparent that my relatives disapproved of it.

It was the first time I truly felt ashamed, and angry. Angry because I never knew that it was something embarrassing, angry because it seemed like my mother had no choice because I demanded for it. Obviously, after that episode, I refused to drink from the milk bottle anymore.

Imagine my disbelief and anguish when my mother could actually justify feeding her 15-year-old daughter because my sister is tired and she wanted her to have enough nutrients and stay healthy. And she thinks that 'everyone has different methods and views'. Great. I was angry enough to whip out my iPhone to take a picture while my mother scurried away.

In that case, one might as well clean their children's butt after they shit to ensure that it's really clean, or bathe for them because they are tired and to ensure that they are really clean - all the way till adulthood and more.

Am I really the one over-reacting? Where should parents draw the line? The worst thing is whenever I reprimand my mother over such things, she'll find other things which are totally out of topic to reprimand me about. It annoys the hell out of me.

I don't blame my sister for what they have become, attitude-problem and all for they were molded into what they are now. Despite the academic excellence, I worry if they can survive and succeed in the society when it's all about communication and people's perception of you. All I can hope is that as they grow older, they have their own sense of self-consciousness enough to judge what should and should not be done. If I couldn't get through my mother, I wished that I got through the sisters. There are times I scream at them, for their attitude and dependence, yet I really wonder how much they truly understood what I was trying to say.

Maybe they will turn out fine afterall. When my mother was telling my little sister how my neighbor's daughter is taking piano grade 4, while my sister only took grade 3. My sister retorted that it was none of her business. Another thing I detested throughout childhood is these comparisons of me with her colleagues' children or who and whom. I seriously do not thing that teaching your kids to constantly compare with others is a good thing at all. Isn't it obvious that one should never try to compare with another, for there are so many different factors and comparing never makes one happy.

God knows I really love the sisters and want the very best for them.

I reckon that there are still some baggage I need to let go off. When I got 99 marks, my father told me that I was lucky, and why didn't I get 100? When I got sick, I was blamed for it. When I read books, I was screamed at. And I know, if my relationship goes wrong, it's going to be my fault. No matter what happens, it's as if I'm never good enough. I spent so much time bawling into the pillow throughout my childhood, and I feel for my sisters when they cry because I remember how it feels

I was sharing this with the boyfriend, wondering what is going to happen to our own kids. I'm thankful that we have similar values, at least in terms of bringing up our children. While nothing is absolute, I'm really thankful to have had him over the past 7 years.

I was still telling the boyfriend that I'm going to miss home very much after I move out. I didn't miss not being home that much during my year in Sweden, perhaps knowing that I'll be back. Yet perhaps, it's time to move out and sculpt my life the way I want it.

A penny for my thoughts and I'd be a millionaire.