The wedding is over and it has been a mad rush. Many grands poorer, we are completely married. Definitely not something I would want to do again. Weddings are tiring and truly troublesome. If I were to choose again, I might well do without a wedding. I’ve got to keep this in mind and would jolly well advise my children not to go through these and spend the money and time!
I don’t quite remember how it happened, but the guest list was changing right up to a day before the wedding, the husband who was in charge of the videos was rendering it till the wee hours right before the wedding, my gown was mended just a day before the wedding, I was packing for the trip and doing household chores and preparing the wedding photos the night before. I almost forgot to bring my shoes and I simply can’t seem to find anything. Till the actual day, our supposed tea lady changed last minute and time was so tight. It was raining heavily, which is a nightmare for my gown and traffic.
Thankfully, everything was relatively smooth and we only had time to change out of our clothes and have a shower before rushing to the airport. Both of us were so tired, and the journey to Birmingham almost killed me. It was a 15 hour flight with transit to London, followed by an hour’s wait and 2.5 hour bus ride followed by train ride (which was delayed) and 20 minute walk with our backpacks in heavy snow to reach the university.
On hindsight, it was probably a beautiful day. I still do love Intercontinental Hotel very much for their parquet flooring, high ceilings, windows with day light and beautiful ballroom despite their recent food poisoning incident. The staff was really nice despite a few hiccups and we did get generally good comments. The band we got was really good too, just a pity that we didn’t really get to sit down to enjoy everything nor spend enough time with people who truly matters.
A wedding is for a day, a marriage is for life.
Marriage. It’s a big word. It’s something which both of us have to work on, yet so many external factors affect us, for better or for worse. Everything is great now, though we do have our issues. But where do we go from here?
We came back from the honeymoon with news that a dear friend is going through divorce. It’s very unexpected, and the husband simply decides that he wants his freedom and do not want the marriage nor wife nor children anymore. He found another girl. 2 very young children and a very attractive and capable wife who works, cooks, bakes, washes. I see pain from her eyes, hear pain from her voice and feel pain radiating from every one of her cell. It really makes me sad. How can a man you love do something so heartless and selfish. Freedom? It’s not what a marriage with young children can give. Marriage and children comes with responsibilities and sacrifice which one made a conscious choice to commit. And what if one party loves themselves more than they love the children and spouse?
She told me how her dreams were dashed. How she will never ever have a complete family anymore. It’s her lifelong childhood dream because she herself came from a family with estranged parents. She shared that no matter what age parents separate or divorce, it affects the children negatively in a way or another. And I know it’s true, when parents do not have a good relationship, it shapes your child’s outlook and opinions of relationships, trust and marriage.
It’s so easy and logical for an outsider to say things like be strong, move on, focus on the children. Even easier for others to attribute one reason or another to explain what happened. Perhaps she’s too fierce or have a low sex drive or has been too demanding or simply chose the wrong guy. But when I look at her, I know being strong is not something that can be done just like that and she have tried her very best to make things work. She said that everyone is telling her to be strong for herself and her kids, but she simply do not know how to do it. Nightmares plague her, sleep eludes her. And how to be strong when your kids ask for Daddy or questions if it’s their fault for being naughty that Daddy isn’t home? And then start telling you to stop crying because Daddy will be home soon? How to tell them that Daddy will not be coming home anymore and do not want the family anymore?
It can happen to anyone.
Marriage itself, with the family commitments and all the different opinions about how you should live your life or maintain your marriage from overly-concerned-know-it-all relatives is challenging enough. Kids? I can’t imagine. Some say it will strengthen a marriage, I say and know that it’s a double-edged sword. Nobody can deny that many conflicts and problems come with children, within and around the marriage.
So there goes. It’ll be a few more years before we’re ready to have children. We are still paying off installments for our appliances and have empty bank accounts. Till then, it’ll be fending off all overly-concerned advice from relatives and everyone else. I’m beginning to think that it’s a good idea to take a few years to strengthen the marriage before going straight into kids.
And to those who can’t stop harping about how fertility nose-dives with age, I’d say if it’s meant to be yours, nobody can take it away. Children are supposed to be god’s gift, and I do not believe that it will be taken away just because you need some time to be ready. If it’s not meant to be, I suppose life has other things to offer.
And here's to another chapter in our lives.
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