.::. Strangers in a marriage? .::.

I was asking the husband randomly that day – what do we do if we become strangers someday, living separate lives?  It happens, it always happens. I see it around me so much. Married couples are simply married on paper, living under the same roof, perhaps the sleeping on the same bed, yet not much different from being strangers and living separate lives. Some simply sleep in different beds or rooms and turn up for family gatherings out of obligation or to put up a front in the name of responsibility.

Some people tell me that things change after marriage, especially after you have kids. Some tell me that they lose their girlfriend and lover after the wife becomes a mother and resent how things change as they take up motherly duties. Some find commitment and marriage restrictive and suffocating. Some simply drift apart and do not put in the effort to communicate anymore. Sometimes, one party puts in too much effort without it being reciprocated.

Many stay in the marriage just because – just because there’s no reason to be divorced or go through all the trouble, just because of the children or the shame and gossip that it might bring, just because their religion frowns upon divorce, just because the woman has lost her (financial) independence and confidence to walk out on the marriage.

I asked the husband, what if we become strangers someday? Will he still stay married to me? He asked, isn’t that very ‘kan kor’ (unbearable)? I told him that given my character, I wouldn’t be able to take it and would divorce him then. I simply can’t stay in a marriage where both parties ain’t happy!

I wonder if my perspective would change as I grow older. Many stay married for their children. It may be important when they’re really young. But after a certain age, doesn’t it boil down to what values you would like to impart to them? Children are sensitive creatures, they know even when you think that they don’t and a bad marriage affects your child in so many ways. What signals do you give them by staying in a loveless marriage where both parties are unhappy? It takes courage to be truthful to yourself.

There’s simply no easy answers as you grow up. Everyone is looking for their own set of answers, trying in their own ways, fighting their own battles.

Times like this, I count my blessing to have had a loving relationship and a strong foundation with the husband over the past 10 years. When the going gets tough, I look through pictures of our happy times and remind myself how difficult is it to meet someone and fall in love. How difficult it was to get to know each other, go through everything and finally got married. To me, one day of happiness is one day less sadness in life. Who knows if it'll be me going through this in the years to come.

Don’t forget why you fell in love and what you love about each other!

Not sure how people who do not love each other in the first place get through marriage when it's so difficult even for people in love. But perhaps its easier and that’s a post for another day.