.::. Clutter .::.

It's the second day of 2012, and I woke up determined to clear clutter.  It's something which I have not been doing enough.  I was in bed and thought about those tertiary textbooks and study guides in my book shelf which I have not touched for the past 5 years.  And I wondered, why was I keeping them?!  Did I really believe that I'll read them again?  Would anyone want these outdated books?

People who have the misfortune of visiting my house would know how cluttered my house is.  Even though we've the luxury of getting a big house, it's never enough to contain all the rubbish we keep.  If you notice, you can see the disgust and incredulous look people try to conceal when they see those rubbish we keep.  Most relatives are polite enough to drop an obscure remark, but you see it in their eyes. It drives me crazy, though I try so hard not to notice.  I still see my primary school exercise book from 15 years ago in the pile on the floor.  Why?  Because it was not fully used and my mum would tear off the used pages and keep them, hoping that it will be used some day.  Time flies and after 15 years, it's still there, together with my brother's and sister's half-used exercise books accumulated through the years.

Then there's the old worksheets, old school files, old textbooks and assessment books which 'someone may use someday.'  It's the same old story every year.  My mum will 'go through them' and clean them, but they never seem to disappear, simply multiply through the years instead.  It's disgustingly dusty and a f*cking eyesore.

I think it runs in the family.  My grandma's house used to be the same and every Chinese New Year, everyone would quarrel and work through Chinese New Year's Eve to hide the clutter.  They always manage it somehow.  My aunt's place is much worst then mine, and I have no clue how do people tolerate that.  My mum got the genes, and I think it's some sort of sickness. She has been trying to clear the clutter since I left for Sweden 3 years ago, 'to prepare for my wedding' she says.  Yet 3 years later, the house is more cluttered than ever.  She complains about how people do not help, yet when I am all ready to help dump the clutter, she starts screaming and say that I'm a crazy woman.  Great.  And whenever you complain about her, she will find something to complain about you back.  Something irrelevant, like my shoes outside the house which I should throw.  The worst thing is that she goes through all your rubbish and picks them up to keep!

I guess you simply can't try to change people when they refuse to change.

My brother seem to have accepted this better than I do and stay away from the mess.  The pile contains things which my brother has threw away.  It drives me crazy looking at all that rubbish.  And when I finally have the time and energy to clear it, I get shit.  F*uk.

I told the husband about it, and he seem to know my family better than I do.  He said that things will still be the same a year later.  And since I'm moving out in a year's time, I should just leave things as they are and let them be.

Perhaps.  But that's probably the last thing I can do for this house!  I reckon that there are things which I know deep within my heart but I've no idea why do I keep trying to change things which I know could not be changed.

I will clear my clutter and throw things away this year.

Part of me is afraid that I may become like my mum.  One is really shaped by their experiences in life.  I like to keep things too, though I throw them away in batches when I couldn't take the clutter.  I keep all my letters and cards from friends.  I keep my travel souvenirs like a prize.  I keep my diary every year.  I do keep quite abit of things though I try to ensure that my room does not look like a rubbish dump.

This year's top resolution is definitely to clear clutter.

F*ck.  I'm so f*cking pissed.  So much for positivity for the new year.