.::. 6th Anniversary .::.

Has it really been 6 years?



He made this for me for our 6th anniversary. It's similar to those beautiful (and very expensive) photo frames we saw in Norway. He bought the individual frames from IKEA and glued them together instead. It isn't worth that much - cost price $16.90, but it means alot to me. I gave him a 'Q&A' 'Love' book with many interesting questions which records all the memorable moments and events in the relationship. He's supposed to fill them up with his answers too.

We didn't even celebrate our anniversary this year. I was in China. We didn't celebrate our anniversary last year too. I was in Sweden. And the year before? We didn't celebrate it on the actual day because he was busy working on his racing car through the night and I didn't even get to talk to him!

As time passes, our focus and things we find important changes. I reckon all we care for now is to work hard, save up and buy an apartment so that we can build our future together soon. I don't seem to mind that we don't really go all out to celebrate special occasions anymore, and I'd rather stay home and snuggle up. Is this a sign of ageing too?!

The only thing which I look forward to is having the chance to travel together again. We have had many memorable memories traveling together and I love exploring new things and sharing those moments with him. He's my best traveling companion.

I'm glad to have found my soulmate and best friend in him. He's always so supportive and I know I can depend on him no matter what happens. Despite many more obstacles ahead and many issues which appear impossible to be resolved, I'm going to have faith and hope that love with lead the way.

P.S. You know I love you.

.::. Retainers! .::.

I left my retainers in a hotel in China when we changed hotel. They were together with my toothbrush and toothpaste which my sisters helped to pack. Apparently, they didn't notice my set of 'transparent teeth' and I did not double check the toilet thinking that there's nothing important in the toilet.

I only realized that I left it behind when I can't find it at night, in another town. No more chances of finding it back, and I mourned its lost. Retainers ain't cheap!

To my horror, I couldn't sleep well without retainers. I keep getting up at night for the past week, and it's extremely annoying when I'm really tired. I'm really surprised how much retainers have become a part of me.



The first thing I did when I got back was to order my retainers! Luckily the orthodontist still has my old mould and I waited a week in agony.

Now, I've brand new, shiny retainers! *beams! And it only cost me $85 instead of the $300 that I expected. My teeth has shifted and they feel tight now. But I'm happy. My teeth is moving back to where they are supposed to be.

My colleague got me the mask and yummy gum from Korea. The mask feels so cooling and smells nice while the gum tastes really special with pretty packaging.

On a random note, the budget terminal totally looks like a hospital. Doesn't it?

Moreover, Tiger airlines is the worse airline I ever sat. The seats were so cramped, worse than Jetstar's. There were so many seats which could not be inclined. The stewardess were so unprofessional and rude too! I was so uncomfortable throughout the 3-hour flight and she kept asking me to make my seat upright when we were about to touch down - in both english and mandarin. I just stared at her since my seat was totally upright. When I told her, my seat is not working at all, she actually said "Okay, it's fine. I'm just asking!' in a less-than-polite tone. Goodness!

.::. Year End .::.

December flashed passed in a blink of the eye. I was mugging for exams, buying X'mas presents, meeting up with the girls before Jo leaves for U.S. for a year. Then exams were over, met up with Jo for a last time before packing and flying to Hainan. By the time I'm back, it was already X'mas. And now, X'mas is over.

The exam didn't go that well, though I'm crossing my fingers. My dear Jo's having a white X'mas with her husband! The Hainan trip was filled with village visits, crystal shops visits, fire crackers, oily and salty food, bad traffic and an overdose of second-hand smoke. Not much of sight-seeing at all, apart from one Guan Yin on the sea.

There's one week left before a new year starts. How do I feel? Empty. Am I happy? I'm not sure.

I'm struggling with myself to let go of all the negative things and start the new year with postive feelings.

.::. X'mas .::.

X'mas is usually spent with his family. I mostly enjoy the X'mas meanls and present exchanges. It's also his nephew, Glenn's birthday.

This year's X'mas, it's somewhat different. It's the first time both sides of his family came together on X'mas day. And his mother invited her church friends to come over for X'mas carolling.

It's my first experience and I didn't look forward to it at all. I know I hated people preaching to me. He simply told me that many people are coming to 'sing songs'. A bus load and 2 more car loads of them came. Everyone had to 'join in' and sit together. It wasn't only singing, the stories came after the singing and prayers. The kids had to be separated from the adults, both listening to different stories.

I hated it. As much as I tried to ignore the stories, what I heard pissed me off real bad. For some reason, my blood boils everytime people try to preach to me. The classic line today?

"Chinese believe in 'god' with a small 'g' which they created themselves. But it's not the real 'God' with the big 'G'"

He even gave an analogy. It's like people being locked up in jail. Those who accept god's sacrifice for them will gain salvation and freedom while those who refuse to accept god's gift to them choose to continue to spend their lives in jail. And he said that all human beings were borned in sin for like 20 times.

There were many more ridiculous stuff which I found plain bias and resented having to sit through it all. To me, religion is created by man. It's something which people like to believe in to give them faith and strength.

Personally, only Christians have been preaching to me relentlessly. No other religions have ever even tried preaching to me. It turns me off just like a persistent sales person.

I hate it that they imply that you're stupid just because you did not believe in 'God'. It's like you'll find life less fulfilling or find less happiness just because you weren't a Christian and praised 'God'.

It doesn't matter even if you told these people that you were a buddhist or free-thinker. They would still try to 'sell' you your religion, and they don't find it rude to imply things like 'your' god is created by man while 'my' god is the one true God. I don't mind joining services now and then, when I feel like it. But it's one thing praising your god and another denouncing other peoples' gods. What I even hated more was that I had no choice - I could not choose not to sit through today's session or leave.

Today, I decided that I can't have a church wedding. I'll be a damn pissed off bride. I really don't foresee a day which I could stomach all these down.

Having said that, I know that not all Christians are like that. I've relatives and friends who are pretty religious, but they leave me alone. But one can't deny that Christians are the most active in 'recruiting' people. Even walking on the streets in Lourdes, people were trying to preach to us.

One thing I always wondered - By believing that your god is the one and only true god, doesn't that mean that other gods which others believe in is not the 'real' god? Yet there are so many religions around and they only believe that their god is the only real one.

I reckon it's difficult to get people to understand that different people have different opinions and believe in different things.

It's just like there are people who believe that couples who do not have kids are always less happy and it's because they are unable to have kids. Or those people who believe that it's a must and normal thing to get married and have kids to find happiness in life.

Is it really so difficult to understand and accept that different people are simply...different?

.::. Lovely Sisters .::.

They were the highlight of the whole trip.

*loves.

.::. X'mas Celebration .::.

We had our annual X'mas celebration last Saturday since Jo will be leaving for the States this Friday.

This year, Jo's dad cooked for us! *yumms!



Look at the spread - all cooked by Jojo's dad. Alone! My favourite was the salted-egg prawns. Delicious.

A group picture of all of us.

J4.

We celebrated Jojo's mum's birthday too. =)

Many thanks to Jo and her family for hosting us, and cooking such great food for us!

Every year, we draw lots among 4 of us to buy a present for one selected person. All of us will only know who we are buying for, without knowing who is buying it for us. It has been a ritual since a long time ago - I bet it must be Jo who came up with that idea.

This year's sequence is Qi --> Chye --> Ju --> Jo -->Qi

Jo got me an Estee Lauder's advance night recovery eye cream and I think it works! It might be an illusion but I observe improvements despite my lack of sleep and poor quality of rest these days. =D I got Chye a 'Goal' book which I really like from Kikki.K, Chye got Ju a Crabtree and Evelyn's La Source set while Jo got an apron and hand warmers from Ju. =)

So, Jo's leaving soon. I'm gonna miss her and her crazy ideas.

.::. Family .::.

Huge family lunch last Saturday.

My mother's brother and sisters (and spouse) visited from China, Hainan. And no, my mother is not borned in China, but my grandmother is and she has children in both China and Singapore.



And, more family action while we visit our hometown - Hainan, China later this week.

I'm sure it's gonna be an 'interesting' trip. Much could happen with my whole family with my uncles and aunts and cousin from Malaysia visiting our China's relatives?

.::. Annoyed .::.

I told my mum that I was on MC today because my neck hurts and the doctor said that my thyroid glands are inflammed. Her first reaction? 'Who ask you to go and bleach your teeth?! It's very harmful.' I haven't even have the chance to tell her that doctor thinks it's due to my previous stomach flu and viral infection.

My family has got to be the most judgmental people in my life.

What's wrong with wanting white teeth? Is it so difficult to understand that people have different wants in their life? They'll never understand because they choose not to yet believe that they do.

I'll always be judged using their narrow yardstick.

I'd better not tell them anything to protect myself from all these negative energy.

.::. Korean .::.

Had Korean food with the girls at Katong a few weeks back.



Beautiful fresh vegetables.

MANY side dishes.

Korean kimchi pancake - my favourite dish of the night.

A huge pot of pork and squid.

I guess Korean food is my least favourite crusine. I simply do not like the taste of it somehow, everything seem to taste sweet or sourish. Even the BBQ meat was too sweet for my liking - does not taste like meat at all. My favourite side dish was probably the toufu and kimchi.

So yea, if a guy were to bring me to a Korean restaurant on our first date, he'll definitely fail.

That probably explains why I do not have any urge to visit Korea. Nothing seems to excite me there.

.::. Zoom! .::.

I can't remember when the obession with my teeth started. One fine day, you just decide to want to do something for yourself, to improve youself in some way or another, physically. For me, it was my teeth because I do not dare to go for plastic surgery nor could I get that perfect body. I saw the importance of great skin and great teeth - it made all the difference for normal people like me!

I've weird teeth. I still have TWO baby teeth left and I've 3 less teeth than normal people. In total, I'm short of FIVE adult teeth. My 2 baby teeth is still intact, and that is not a good thing since baby teeth are not as strong as adult teeth and are more prone to decay. Since I do not have adult teeth to replace them, I've to make do with them till they give up on me.

The whole journey started in 2008 when I started braces treatment. The whole plan was to get them straightened and then whitened, to get that 'hollywood' set of perfect teeth. I took off braces last year before going to Sweden, but obviously I didn't have enough money to whiten them then

Finally, I went ahead and got them whitened now. It's like, a birthday present for myself, a good way to end the year!

Are my teeth white now? No. Will it ever be white? I don't think so, unless I get veneers done.

This was before treatment.

These were the 'before' and 'after' picture taken by my orthodontist. I had a bad overbite problem and huge gaps everywhere, but obviously isn't the worst kind of teeth around.

I took the picture under yellow light. It's many shades whiter than what I started with, but it's still not white. It's definitely not those 'hollywood' kind of white since you only get that if you get veneers, this fake layer they paste on your real teeth to create that perfect smile with neat, white teeth. But then, that requires you to shave your real teeth smaller, which I'm totally not willing to do.

Do I think it was worth it? It's really a 'yes' and 'no'.

I did it because I always wanted to do it and it was just something which I had to do for myself. Just like getting braces and going for Lasik. So yes, it was definitely worth doing it instead of spending my life wondering if I should go ahead to do it.

I reckon I knew that it wouldn't be THAT white, but half of me still hoped to be 'wowed' by the aftermath. Thanks to managed expectations, I wasn't that disappointed though I can't say that I'm really satisfied.

Then again, I probably wouldn't do it again. Why? Because it's painful and expensive. Even at the almost half-price promotion, it is still expensive! And I'm really not confident of maintaining the results since I drink cups of coffee and tea every single day!

Firstly, I didn't know that whitening needed injections on the gum. It was the first time I had injections on my gum. It wasn't that painful, but it was a disgusting feeling which I really hate. My whole chin felt numb and my inner lower lip was alittle swollen, I really felt like I had a big swollen sausage for my lower lip.

I thought that Laser whitening was something like Lasik or Laser for the skin - like there is this device which transmits rays into your eye/skin/teeth to do what they are supposed to do. But it wasn't like what I thought at all!

I had my teeth cleaned, polished and then the whole 'Zoom' whitening process started. It was not a pleasant experience at all.

I had to have something inserted into my mouth to keep it open. It wasn't comfortable since the lower part was pressing into the area under my tongue. Then, they stuffed gauze all over inside my mouth, to absorb my saliva and 'make me more comfortable'. Then they applied some cream around my mouth area and at the tip of my nose to protect it from the laser. And they added a layer of paper around my mouth as a shield, with only my mouth sticking out from the hole. There I was, with mouth held open with an uncomfortable piece of plastic and stuffed full with gauze. My lower lips felt like a big swollen sausage though it was not swollen at all. I keep complaining about it that he gave me a mirror to assure me.

It started with the doctor putting a protective layer near your gums. Thus, your teeth might still be yellow near the gums. It was like a hot wax that hardens, so it's not comfortable either. Then, the real thing started with a layer of bleaching liquid being applied to your teeth and there will be the 'Zoom' laser machine directed right at your mouth. I was wearing a big goggle, but it looked like a bright green light.

I was told that the treatment was 3 cycles, and if I can take it, he'll give me another cycle. However, most people give up by the 3rd cycle because your teeth would hurt and feel really sensitive.

I was great, at the end of 3rd cycle, I almost felt nothing except uncomfort given what was stuffed into my mouth. I occasionally felt sharp piercing needles at the left of my lower teeth, but it came and went. By the middle of the 4th cycle, the pain started getting stronger and more frequent till I couldn't take it anymore. It was painful, like needles shooting from the roots, like your teeth was going to drop off.

The whole process ended after he got those wet gauze out of my mouth and coated my teeth with flouride which I paid extra for. Obviously he washed my teeth and got rid of those bleach too.

At the end, I felt really tired and in pain. The whole whitening process took about an hour (minus the washing and polishing). He wanted to give me another injection which I refused to take. The pain was bearable, but I felt very uncomfortable. He told me that the pain was quite bad for some people. I still feel like I had very swollen lips, and I couldn't really talk or control my lower lips.

I was given sensitive toothpaste and left the clinic poorer, abeit with whiter teeth and pain to boot. I'm supposed to abstain from anything that might stain my teeth for 48 hours since it is more porous after the treatment. I was also advised to get the take home kit with 8 tubes of whitening gel to use everyday for a month and weekly after that to maintain and enhance the results. I didn't take it, but I might go back for it since it's half-price after Zoom treatment too.

After I left, the numbness and 'sausage lips' took about 3 hours to fully subside. I still managed to eat, but I kept biting into my lower inner lips but do not feel much pain since it was numbed. I was drinking water with water splurting out because I can't feel it nor control my lower lip movements. At the end of the day, I realized that I had blood on my inner lower lips!

The pain after treatment came in waves, similar to towards the end of the treatment when I felt sharp piercing needles coming from the roots of my teeth. It was painful but bearable, though I had to stop talking when that happens.

On a pain scale of 10, braces was 2. Braces wasn't painless, but I actually enjoyed the 'pain'. It was totally enjoyable and bearable pain. Laser whitening is 5, because the sharp piercing pain was really, painful and uncomfortable. Laser treatment on the skin is even more painful, perhaps a 7 when it goes deeper. Lasik on the eyes is about a 5 too, though it doesn't last that long at all. All these pain are totally bearable, simply because it doesn't last long.

I'm wondering, what is the pain level for child birth? Probably a good 8 or 9, especially if it lasts really long and takes a long time to recover.

With this less than great experience, I've crossed yet another 'goal' off my list.

I don't think I'll do it again, I might get take-home kits instead. I think I'm lucky because my teeth is not sensitive at all - I bite ice and never feel pain biting ice-cream. I've no problems drinking cold drinks and eating ice-cream today, one day after treatment. However, I reckon people with sensitive teeth would experience alot more pain and discomfort with this treatment.

I've made myself alot poorer after braces, Lasik, Laser and Zoom whitening, but arguably happier. Perhaps not everyone might understand the need for these, but it's just that, different people have different goals and wants to fulfill.

.::. From the iPhone .::.

My life changes after iPhone came into my life, but I guess that warrants another post altogether.



I reckon it's the Christmas season, I'm feeling the urge to shop!

I succumbed and got a L'Occitane hand cream. It must be age catching up on me, I really feel my skin getting more dry and hand creams are very important for me, especially in the office. I really feel like getting some good skincare too! My wishlist is getting really long.

They set up a skating rink in the middle of Novena Square and there are figure skaters performing everyday too, complete with 'snow' floating down!

Rojak @ Toa Payoh's foodcourt - the queue was really long and almost every table had a plate of this! *yummy. It's fresh with lots of nuts.

One of the rare days I got home before the sky turned dark.

.::. Goals .::.

Everyone has many wants and dreams. Yet the crucial piece of the puzzle is translating these goals and dreams into reality.

I need to be more disciplined. I feel guilt, and fatigue. I need to summon all my willpower.

I can't fail this time round. I cannot. I must not. Passing exams shall be the means to an end - hopefully it translates to higher pay and a better job!

Time to conqueor the books and FRS! It's a crucial 3 weeks. Go, go, go!

.::. Sucker .::.

My job, is an energy sucker.

I'm always so tired after a day's work, and I don't even work late much. If I'm meeting deadlines, I'm fully concentrated on that screen, switching between many enormous excel spreadsheets which I download from different data bases.

I work with data primarily. That's what analysts do right? I've been very busy with 2011 planning, because I'm in-charge of churning out slides for all the countries to chart their progress in many different aspects.

I'm looking at data from the past 2 years, from 10 different countries, sales in revenues, sales in units, sales in product groups, discounts given etc. It's a shitload of data which I go through and dress-up into colourful trend charts and simple summary tables by quaters.

The end-result looks pretty and seemingly simple. What people do not know is the amount of work and concentration needed to collate these data from so many different sources into that few slides.

Excel. Powerpoint. Numbers. My best friends.

.::. Sick .::.

I have been down since Thursday. It has been horrible, and I haven't felt this bad for a long time.

I was still alright on Thursday. I was in a meeting, when I started having cold hands and simply unwell. I sat through the whole thing and by the time I came out, I felt sick. I really felt like puking and my tummy felt weird. I totally feel faint. After direahea in the office, I still felt horrible. I ended up rushing myself home in a cab - during peak hour no less! Super expensive and detrimental to my housing fund.

When I was home, I puked. Everything. All my lunch and whatever that was left inside. I felt better, and I assumed that I would feel better since I've cleared everything I had in me.

Wrong. After a 2 hour nap, I felt even worst. I felt weak all over and I was in pain. I felt cold with a horrible headache to boot. I tried to have some food, yet all I managed was some vegetables before crawling back to bed. It was the most horrible experience I remember, having my whole body in pain and feeling really cold. I never have painkillers, never. Yet I popped 2 and went to bed.

I woke up on Friday with a headache and still feeling weak, but I had an early morning tele-conference to attend. But the U.S. guy did not turn up and I ended up going back to bed. I felt really miserable. Thankfully, the boyfriend bought congree over, with XiaoLongBaos which I couldn't even stomach - I can't believe that either.

Doctor says I've stomach viral infection. But if you ask me? I think my stomach has weakend over the past year in Sweden. Why? Because I've been eating so healthily, with lots of soupy dishes and stir-fry meat and salad. I almost NEVER ate fried food in Sweden. Now, my stomach feels weird even after my favourite hot and spicy soup. 2 meals with slightly oily/fried food and I'll feel really weird. I crave for fish bee hoon and ban mian these days. Does healthy eating strengthen your stomach? Apparently N.O., pampering it with healthy food makes it weak.

I was practically in bed the whole weekend, praying hard that more rest would give me a speedy full recovery. I've tonnes of work waiting for me in the office, and tomorrow would be a long day at work.

I take solace that it's a short week. But then again, not so good when you have lots of work on hand. These 2 weeks have been really busy and stressful. Sighsigh. Be careful what you wish for.

.::. Kitchen .::.

Will you spend money to make your kitchen/home pretty? I know I sure will, but these are ridiculously expensive, from 'Rice', a Danish brand.



I really like these!

Jo wouldn't have minded having these at her R.O.M. instead of those plain ugly ones.

Even simple pitchers look so stylish.

Bowls which double up for storage in the fridge.

I cooked dinner this weekend, because I was bed-ridden for 2 days and barely eaten anything. I had an urge to cook after regaining some of my energy. I made roasted chicken, baked potato wedges, winter melon soup and tomato-based pasta. *yums!

I thought it turned out pretty good though I was totally drained and needed to rest again after all that work. Cooking in my house's kitchen is a nightmare. Everything is simply too messy and I seem to be knocking into everything all the time. I miss my small kitchen in Sweden. I used to be so efficient, washing vegetables, cutting them and cooking all at the same time. My working space was right in between the sink and stove, with the condiments in the cabinet right above it. *sigh!

I want my own kitchen! Uncluttered, with ample space and pretty utencils. I will cook healthy and tasty food very often for my husband definitely!

.::. Dream .::.

How lovely it is to dream while you are awake. Dream while you're awake, Andre. Anybody can dream while they're asleep, but you need to dream all the time, and say your dreams out loud, and believe in them.

I can't promise you that you won't be tired, he says. But please know this. There's a lot of good waiting for you on the other side of tired. Get yourself tired, Andre. Thats when you're going to know yourself. On the other side of tired.

- Open, An Autobiography by Andre Agassi

I always planned, I hardly dreamt. I was too afraid of disappointment, of failure, of being unrealistic. I'm the typical Singaporean, I was brought up and programmed that way. Increasingly, as I get exposed to more people and places, I start following my heart, follow my dreams, and it surprisingly feels right.

Dream I shall. Endure, I will. For a jouney of a thousand miles starts with a single step, and we made that baby step. I shall dream when I'm awake, when I'm asleep, dream all the time and believe that we will get there. Somehow. Someday. It may be tiring. But we will get to the other side of tired.

.::. Annoyed .::.

Top questions which leaves me really annoyed:

(1) Why don't you go and lose weight/slim down?

This gets me really pissed off - what has it got to do with you? It's simply plain rude to ask people questions in the face like this! I'm not obese and I am healthy. My weekly kickboxing/hot yoga gives me flexibility and muscles and I simply feel comfortable and healthy, so stop commenting about my size or weight. If I didn't have an office job which puts me on my butt 8 hours a day and drains all my energy, I would have spent more time exercising. Who didn't wish that they had bodies just like supermodels? Would you prefer if I starved myself to look slim for you? Even my dad thinks I should lose weight - great.

(2) How much do you earn?

Why do people want to know this? Apart from my immediate family members and a selected few, I simply do not feel like telling everyone how much I earn. I get more annoyed when I evade their questions by saying things like 'market rate' and asking them 'why?' but they still don't get it and continue trying to ask the same question. Do you want to get a loan from me? Or do you want more juicy bits of gossip?

(3) When are you getting married?

It's 'THE' question at the moment - everyone wants to know when am I getting married and start giving all sort of advice and advantages of getting married and having kids early. Some even go on to say that it's 'unhealthy' to date for too long and I'm at a disadvantage. Who doesn't want to get married to someone they love and enjoy spending time together with? But nothing is that simple. If we could afford to get a place to stay NOW, I would get married NOW - I can give up all the other superficialities. Would you give me an apartment? But sadly, saving up to get a place to stay would take us at least another 5 years and I'll probably be an old and fat bride then. But that is my choice - I'd rather wait and work towards the kind of life I would like for the rest of my life than go along with what everyone wants for me and be miserable and trapped forever - if only people understood that, it's the rest of my life which I have to live.

(4) When are you finishing your ACCA?

It's a big deal for my family. Everyone wants to know, when will I be completing the 'prestigious' ACCA and that's probably the only reason why I am holding on and trying so hard. I won't pretend I enjoy it, I question why do I continue though I'm so sure I do not want to be an accountant. I'm halfway there but there's still a long way to go, yet people keep asking, or simply ask me to 'take more papers' so I can finish it sooner - yea right. Studying after work and trying to study during weekends is stretching me to my limits - I feel drained, stressed and tired. I'd really thank my lucky stars if I pass this damn paper. Worldwide passing rate for this paper - 24%. Singapore passing rate for this paper - 30%. My chance of passing? Probably 15%? I'd D.I.E. if I fail this again.

I simply feel stressed out, like I'm being pushed into a corner at all fronts.

Some people think that they are 'showing their concern' when they make negative comments about you - they're simply trying to 'remind' you. I was brought up in such a negative environment, yet it doesn't make these easier to cope. Some days, you're in a good mood, but suddenly, you get fired with comments like 'what happened? why is you skin so awful?', 'your thighs look so fat in this' - and then, I'm accused of being too sensitive when I get upset. *sigh!

I try very hard to be positive despite being surrounded by all these negativity. I'm a worrier, and I know I do not always say the nicest things. But I'd rather be honest with the people who really know me than put up a pretence. At least I try not to say any negative comments right into people's face. If I had nothing nice to stay, I'd rather keep quiet instead of telling them how fat they've become or how awful they look now.

Life is difficult enough in Singapore, with all the stress and overcrowding, why add more negativity to others' life?

I wished I did not complain so much nor feel lousy so often. But as much as I try, I feel swamped and happy moments are fleeting and does not stay long enough before practicalities weigh me down again. I miss the carefree and happy me.

I know happiness is a choice and needs constant effort, but I feel like I'm struggling to win and I'm tired fighting this battle. All I can do is, continue fighting and trying. If all else fails, my escape strategy is to take all my savings and roam the world when I turn 30!

Why does everything seem so difficult?

.::. $ .::.

Lately, I've been trying to think of ways to get more $. Things really do get clearer after you get down to planning and things get into perspective. Instant gratification is no longer a priority, it's time to set some mid-term and long-term goals.

I spoke to a financial planner today. Speaking to him has made me acutely aware of many facts which I knew but paid little attention to. They're just things at the back of your mind that you never really thought about. It's scary thinking about it, and I really do not want to slog till 60! University education for ONE child will cost $89,800 in 20 years time, and what about retirement?

Sadly, that's the kind of life we have to endure and plan for in Singapore - slog and work harder till you're too old to do so.

It's time to start following the rules if I want a chance to be out of the rat race by..40? 50 is probably a more possible number.

Rule 1: Spend within your means
Rule 2: Save and invest
Rule 3: Expand your means

For now, how do we save 160k in 5 years time?! It's going to be a difficult battle, but I need to make it happen.

.::. Pray .::.

Today, I went to pray.

I have been wanting to for the past month, but I simply didn't make it. I'm really not religious but I simply like to pray (in the temple) when something's on my mind. In fact, I talk to god (whoever he is) very often. I feel like, god can hear me, and it gives me peace.

My favourite part is 'drawing lots', and I find it - rather accurate. It's perhaps in the mind, but it makes me feel good.

I think I need to be patient and wait, for many things are fated in life and you can only try this hard.

.::. Around CCHS .::.

Went around taking some pictures with the newly-wedded couple - in our old secondary school.



By the lake.

The new building.

And our school gate.

Pictures turned out really great. =)

.::. Dear Jo's Big day .::.

It was 4 busy weeks. All the shopping and handmade stuff - weddings are really tiring! Luckily it turned out really beautiful.



The ceremony.

The happy couple.

Married.

It was been like 11 years?

It's so touching and my dear girl kept crying, and I was trying hard not to tear too. *awww. I think I'll need waterproof makeup on my wedding - I'll cry buckets.

Meanwhile, enjoy the next year together as a married couple in U.S. without any worries! =)

.::. Church Wedding .::.

We attended his neighbour's church wedding a few weeks back because his mum couldn't make it.

It was at St Andrews, a pretty place.



The place was decorated with flowers.

The march-in.

The happy couple. The service took like forever, and the couple were on their knees, hurdled together with the priest, in deep prayers, like they're sharing some big secret. I seriously cannot connect with a wedding like that, much less imagine MY own wedding like that.

Us.

*sigh. But, if I were to marry this man, that probably means that I've to go through this. While church weddings are pretty, I can't connect with it and I think most of my friends and family can't wait for the service to be over.

What if I nod off at my own wedding?

.::. Decisions .::.

Sometimes, there are things which you struggle with for a long, long time. It's not always easy to know what to do.

Then suddenly, you wake up one day and everything becomes clear.

I have decided.

Even if no one loves me in this world, I'm going to love myself and live my life the way I really want.

No more sleepless nights, no more breaking down in tears and no more struggles. I'm not going to put my happiness into someone's hands, someone who can't decide on what he wants and allows others to plan his life. I simply can't accept 'I don't know' anymore. I really can't.

.::. =( .::.

I'm depressed.

But nobody can help me but me and I can't continue wasting my youth feeling like that.

My way of dealing with it? Sleep. Sleep it off.

Tomorrow is Monday again, and I'll have to face the world again. Hopefully some yoga will help.

.::. Religion? .::.

Picked this up from facebook -

Having a religion is like having a penis.

It's okay to have one. It's even okay to be proud of having one.

But you can't just whip it out in public and start waving it around.
...
And it is never ever never okay to try and ram it down someone's throat.

- bbriani3842

.::. Longing .::.

I woke up this morning with an aching longing for Sweden. In my sub-conscious state, images of my life there flashed through my mind. It felt so real, I can feel my mood and my feelings then. I can feel the cold wind lashing onto my face as I hastened my steps, the moments when I felt so touched to be so far away from home and expereincing these. There are times when I experienced or saw something, and really felt like locking that moment into my memory and sharing it with all my loved ones. I wished they were there to experience and savour the moment together with me.

I almost wished that when I opened my eyes, I was back in my little room in Sweden and I can walk out to admire the autumn leaves. It's difficult to describe, but I felt really carefree there. I liked having lots of time on hand, planning to meet the girls for dinner and meeting random people, hearing all sorts of stories about other's lives. It's like a discovery all the time.

It is Autumn there now, and it's turning cold and grey. I really miss the change of seasons, observing the changes in weather and feeling the gradual dip in temperatures. We enjoy complaining about the weather, how it seem to go colder and colder, darker and darker.



Autumn is beautiful, but I can't decide which is my favourite season. It might well be summer in Sweden since it's so sunny yet so cool. It's one of the rare times I really enjoy the sun.

I was so happy. It's been more than a year since the apple festival! My roommate still sent me a message about how a year has passed and the apple festival is here again.

*sigh. I reckon I'll never look so cute anymore.

The flashbacks these days made me decide that I must visit Sweden again someday.

If life was measured by the moments that took my breath away, then mine would have been worth living. It was the first time that I felt that I could die with no regrets, even if I dropped dead. *touch wood.

I reckon one should not be greedy and there's always a time for different things. I have indulged, and I should work hard now, to build a life together with someone I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

I'm really thankful.

.::. Proposal .::.

He's finally back!

After weeks of planning, it was a success. =)

We made her go back to CCHS in the evening while everyone was already ready in the lecture theatre. The video played when she walked in and he came out to play a tune on the violin before going down on his knees and reading out this awfully sweet letter. The dear girl started crying once she sat down and didn't stop till the whole thing was over. *awwww.

So touching, seeing your best friend through all these years (11!!) and then witnessing a happy ending. =)

I told the boyfriend, if I don't cry when he proposed (which is quite impossible), I'm not going to say 'Yes'.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. *grins.

.::. D.I.Y. .::.

That's what I've been doing all Sunday. It really takes time to D.I.Y. stuff, making me really cherish things which people put effort into.



The half-done buntings - it's very pretty!

3D flowers which Joey folded. He folded all of them (while watching and laughing to Top Gear)!

Another half-done bunting on paper dollies.

And these beautiful hand-made stuff which my sisters helped make. It's supposed to be spaced apart to be draped/hung.

It has been a productive Sunday, we worked all day. It was hard work, but everything turned out to be very pretty. *beams. =)